Feeling Discouraged...

I woke up early one morning, when the sun was barely making its warm presence known, with a heavy feeling of urgency and anxiety.

My heart was beating fast. My breathing hard and elaborate.

Along with this awful feeling I felt a sense of discouragement, almost as if a voice kept repeating itself my past mistakes; the areas I always come short, bringing a kind reminder that felt true: no matter how many times you try, you never seem to change.

Lacking lucidity of mind at that early hour, I was unable to fight off the thoughts and the anxiety it produced.

It felt true, and this feeling didn't leave me for quite a few days.

I started to feel hopeless.

I know now that I was exaggerating. I know that my anxiety had a lot to do with this.

I know and recognize that God has made me grow a lot in the past couple of years. But looking ahead, to that ideal horizon, I quickly feel hopeless at the seemingly endless track there is yet to traverse.

The most discouraging thing about all of this, however, is that the voice I heard that morning isn't 100% wrong. There is a grain of truth to it.

I lack discipline, consistency and persistence.

There are countless projects I always start and, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I don't finish almost all of them.

It is not for my lack of trying, for I wouldn't start any project without the slightest hope of finishing it.

I try and try, and I get distracted and sidetracked.

There are many things I want to grow in this year, but there is still an overwhelming sense of hopelessness in me.

That voice is still reminding me how undisciplined, inconsistent and impersistent I am.

Do you really think this time it will be different? How many times have you tried and failed? Sure you keep at it for a couple of weeks, maybe some months, and then it dies. Don't go on fooling yourself!

There is a grain of truth in this, and it is wise to remember this.

But it's only a grain of truth.

It is true that I usually leave many projects unfinished, but it is also true than in my trying and trying there is true growth, and the trying and trying is persistence in itself.

There is reason to be concerned and to pay attention to the things that sidetrack us and distract us, but there is reason to rejoice as well!

I look behind and see how far I've come, and while I'm sure there are many more embarrassing tripping and falling ahead of me, I am a more mature person now than I was a year ago.

What this voice is neglecting to say to me, and to all of us when we hear it, is that Christ is truly, uniquely and resolutely for us, and none of His creatures are a hopeless case.

New Year's Resolutions April Update!

It's that time of month again, where I get to divulge my progress (or lack of) in my New Year's Resolutions.

Oh dear New Year's Resolutions! Cursed is the day that I met and found you! You lured me in with your sweet promises and your captivating dreams, and when I come to you, you run and taunt "catch me if you can!". With those big dreamy eyes, how difficult it is to forget you!

Okay, enough of that. Let's get into the details.

Resolution #1 Achieve my ideal weight:

To be honest, I didn't lose any weight this month. To say that I'm disappointed is an understatement. More than disappointed I feel trapped.

It is easy to forget how difficult weight loss actually is. When you look at the formula of weight loss (less caloric intake + more exercise = weight loss) it seems very simple and easy. But lost in the equation is the human factor.

I have to recognize that I simply have a food addiction, and the only way I can lose and maintain my weight is through managing this addiction.

Anyone who has gone through an addiction knows that it is not easy to get out of it. Granted, getting out of a food addiction is not as glamorous (or as difficult) as, say, drug addiction, but it is still difficult to control.

I have been eating a bit less this week. My body feels dissatisfied, as if I'm depriving it of something that it needs, even though I have eaten what I need.

When my body asks for more food, indeed, demands that it needs more food, I stop and try to listen to it. Why are you saying this? Where is it coming from? Is it true what you are telling me?

You see, it was easy to listen to this voice and believe it simply because it felt true. Besides, the body is usually trustworthy in telling you what it needs, like rest and water for example, and one has learned from experience to do what it says.

And whenever I neglect this seeming need, there is an emptiness in me, like something is missing. It almost feel as if I'm missing out on something. These are the voices I need to listen and challenge.

God, fill the emptiness that I'm trying to fill with food. This is usually my prayer, and slowly, my emptiness goes away.

Resolution #2 Keep my room clean, year long:

At the beginning of this month, my room was fairly clean, and then I had an excuse for not keeping it clean.

The past two weeks have been really busy, what with retreats to plan and camping trips to attend. But now that my life is getting back to "normal", it is time to get back on track.

I have started yesterday, slowly reorganizing some books that I got from my old place (yes even more) and today getting rid of my mounting laundry.

Oh boy, what a never ending task this is!

Resolution #3 Update my blog regularly, at least once a week:

I honestly love writing and I love writing on my blog, so you would think this would be the easiest resolution to keep.

But there is a difference between loving what you do and being disciplined in it. I didn't post anything last week! I have to be careful of these small slips because it can be a slippery slope for me!

That's it for this month, see you next!