My heart was beating fast. My breathing hard and elaborate.
Along with this awful feeling I felt a sense of discouragement, almost as if a voice kept repeating itself my past mistakes; the areas I always come short, bringing a kind reminder that felt true: no matter how many times you try, you never seem to change.
Lacking lucidity of mind at that early hour, I was unable to fight off the thoughts and the anxiety it produced.
It felt true, and this feeling didn't leave me for quite a few days.
I started to feel hopeless.
I know now that I was exaggerating. I know that my anxiety had a lot to do with this.
I know and recognize that God has made me grow a lot in the past couple of years. But looking ahead, to that ideal horizon, I quickly feel hopeless at the seemingly endless track there is yet to traverse.
The most discouraging thing about all of this, however, is that the voice I heard that morning isn't 100% wrong. There is a grain of truth to it.
I lack discipline, consistency and persistence.
There are countless projects I always start and, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I don't finish almost all of them.
It is not for my lack of trying, for I wouldn't start any project without the slightest hope of finishing it.
I try and try, and I get distracted and sidetracked.
There are many things I want to grow in this year, but there is still an overwhelming sense of hopelessness in me.
That voice is still reminding me how undisciplined, inconsistent and impersistent I am.
Do you really think this time it will be different? How many times have you tried and failed? Sure you keep at it for a couple of weeks, maybe some months, and then it dies. Don't go on fooling yourself!
There is a grain of truth in this, and it is wise to remember this.
But it's only a grain of truth.
It is true that I usually leave many projects unfinished, but it is also true than in my trying and trying there is true growth, and the trying and trying is persistence in itself.
There is reason to be concerned and to pay attention to the things that sidetrack us and distract us, but there is reason to rejoice as well!
I look behind and see how far I've come, and while I'm sure there are many more embarrassing tripping and falling ahead of me, I am a more mature person now than I was a year ago.
What this voice is neglecting to say to me, and to all of us when we hear it, is that Christ is truly, uniquely and resolutely for us, and none of His creatures are a hopeless case.
Years ago, I was discussing with a priest my job in a large company. He said, in reality, you don't work for the company but for God. When you do your job well and conscientiously, don't waste time at work, get there on time and don't leave early - you're doing it all for God. Your employer may not always see what you're doing or how you're working. But God does.
ReplyDeleteFor you too Jose; whatever project you start, whatever you do in life and at work. You're doing it for God. He is your ultimate Master. With this in mind, you'll find you can try a little harder to please Him.
God bless.