loneliness and how God was calling me into a time of solitude.
I felt that maybe I found the solution to an issue that's been haunting me ever since I've moved to Oakland: Loneliness.
I wish I can come and tell you how I never feel lonely anymore, how I got it all figured it out. But that would be a lie.
This is the current state of things: I still feel lonely and yet I have found ways to get used to that loneliness.
Yes, I still have solitude time.
Yes, it is still uncomfortable, but somehow manageable.
The question that I keep asking myself is this: is this sense of loneliness a sign of my lack of maturity or is it a sign that God created me to be in community?
I had the chance in December to live in a friend's house who was out in vacation for a couple of weeks. A friend of mine was still living in my friend's house, and so I was hardly alone.
Needless to say the old sense of loneliness left me, and the thought of coming back home from work gave me joy instead of the old familiar dread.
I realized also how it was more about simply accompaniment than anything else. I didn't even need to talk to my friend. Just to know he was physically there it was all that was needed.
I usually retreated to my old stuff: reading, relaxing, watching a movie. Many times we talked and hanged out, many times we retreated to do our own.
But I never felt lonely.
I had lots of solitude time, but usually not a lot of times where I felt lonely.
I still don't know what to make of this experience. I won't lie, I'm hoping and praying my living situation changes soon.
Something invaluable I have gained from this experience however, is the sense of connectedness, empathy and understanding I have with my immigrants sisters and brothers. I now know and understand the sense of loneliness that haunts them as they come alone into this country.
Perhaps this is one of the lessons I need to learn.