How many months has it been? 5 or 6? I'm stopping to care to even count the months, let alone the days that this storm has raged in me.
Sometimes I wonder, in despite of all that I'm hearing in prayer, is this really the will of God? Am I suffering in vain? Is there a way out? Because there are times when I just don't want to remain in the rain.
"Hard times will come, but don't fear for I am with you", I heard one December morning after prayer. A few days after this I felt all my walls crashing down.
With this came the unnerving sense that these "hard times" won't be short lived. I guess I have too many things to learn before I move into this new transition in my life.
Sometimes I wonder, is this a punishment from God? His way of telling me that I did wrong in getting out of seminary? I have no desires of going back, but is that a sign that God isn't calling me for that or just my selfish desires? I pray that in reality I am being guided by Him, because in the end, He knows better than I do.
All these questions that are mingled with an almost endless anxiety (I've been suffering with anxiety since I was little kid), plus all the things that I have described in past blog posts (yes, I'm STILL in pain over those events) are part of this storm. Oh and the waiting, I never liked waiting.
But I would be lying if I said that I don't feel peace in my prayer. I would be lying if I said that no good fruits are coming out of it. I would be lying if I said that God hasn't helped me at all.
The fact that I'm still here is all due to His unending Grace, and I have nothing really, to complain about.
But sometimes I wonder, I hope I'm being guided by you, my dear God, for without you I am nothing.
Photo Credit: El Frito.