Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Waiting for My Next Big Step in My Life...

What is it about waiting that is so difficult? Why is it that most of the time we rather just not wait?

Could it be that waiting can be a personal limbo? Maybe waiting can force us to stay in idleness? Or maybe that we lose control while we wait?

Whatever the reason, I'm finding it really difficult to wait before taking my next big step in my life.

I applied with the missionary order InnerCHANGE, and thank God, they accepted me!

When I heard the news I was very excited, literally dancing in my steps.

I also got a new a job that fits almost perfectly with my schedule with the order.

But I can't move in with them until mid-September, and the wait is getting difficult. It is not simply a childish desperation to move to the next stage of my life. The difficulty can get heavy at times, sorrowful even.

I moved in with my aunts and uncles in Daly City in August because is closer to my new job. This is (I think) the third time that I move the past year.

While I'm training at my job (a one month training) I can't do much  ministry because of the schedule. I train for one hour every weekday at night.

I really don't feel comfortable where I am. Not because my family here is not welcoming, which they are. It just doesn't feel like home. It doesn't feel like I'm doing much either, just living one day at a time.

I guess moving around and being surrounded by this instability can have its toll on you. But is that all there is to this feeling of sorrow?

Ever since my summer internship ended with this order I have been feeling very nostalgic. Nostalgic about the experiences lived in it, nostalgic about Oakland, nostalgic about many things.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm entering some sort of mild depression. I wonder if there is more to it than just the simple fact that I'm waiting and there's not much I can do about it. Have I lost my peace? I don't think so. But there is still some heaviness about this period.

I'm very excited about my future, however, and I can't wait to see what's ahead of me. I genuinely feel called to this order.

So all I can do is wait. And also pray.

Photo Credit: red twolips.