Solitude Retreats

So I was overdue for my quarterly retreat.

The small cabin I stayed in.

As missionaries of InnerCHANGE, we have to take 4 solitude retreat to rest, refocus and discern. I usually enjoy my solitude retreats, and I was looking forward to this one.

What I usually like doing in my solitude retreats is read, pray, exercise, and read some more.

I went to this beautiful place in Scotts Valley called Fasting Prayer Mountain. The place is decorated witth countless tree trunks that serve as seating, with countless gardens around you and majestic redwood trees.

I was tired. I'm tired with feeling anger towards my church and how legalism and rules often get in the way of loving people.

Stairway to one of the trails.

I'm tired of avoiding my past wounds and avoiding my inner child to get out and finally heal from all the wounds to tell him "it is okay you felt that way and it wasn't your fault".

I'm tired, and God gave me rest.

Solitude retreats aren't always easy. It is easy to go back to old habits of just being. You want to avoid the feeling of loneliness. You want to avoid the voices that spring up inside of you as noise of people and cars and civilization are minimized.

Amphitheater at Prayer Fasting Mountain.

I usually enjoy my first day. By the second day I start to miss family and friends, and almost always feel tempted to just go back. I had to fight the urges to get in my car and just leave home on the second night, but I felt the gentle whisper of God saying "stay", and I did.

Solitude retreats can be difficult, as coming to a sudden halt and rest can bring up many feelings and issues we rather leave untouched. We can become bored. We can become lonely.

As this retreat was drawing to a close I felt God calling me to take "mini-solitude retreats" to listen to Him and to myself as a way to deal with loneliness.  More on this on a future post!

What if we took some time everyday to be by ourselves, to quiet ourselves, and listen to ourselves? How will our lives change?

Why wait till we make the time to retreat into the woods and reflect?  We can have times of solitude everyday, where we make it a point to quiet ourselves to better hear ourselves, and in the process, hear God who is always calling in the silence of our hearts.

Still Struggling with Loneliness...

Back in October I wrote a post about my struggles with loneliness and how God was calling me into a time of solitude.

I felt that maybe I found the solution to an issue that's been haunting me ever since I've moved to Oakland: Loneliness.

I wish I can come and tell you how I never feel lonely anymore, how I got it all figured it out. But that would be a lie.

This is the current state of things: I still feel lonely and yet I have found ways to get used to that loneliness.

Yes, I still have solitude time.

Yes, it is still uncomfortable, but somehow manageable.

The question that I keep asking myself is this: is this sense of loneliness a sign of my lack of maturity or is it a sign that God created me to be in community?

I had the chance in December to live in a friend's house who was out in vacation for a couple of weeks. A friend of mine was still living in my friend's house, and so I was hardly alone.

Needless to say the old sense of loneliness left me, and the thought of coming back home from work gave me joy instead of the old familiar dread.

I realized also how it was more about simply accompaniment than anything else. I didn't even need to talk to my friend. Just to know he was physically there it was all that was needed.

I usually retreated to my old stuff: reading, relaxing, watching a movie. Many times we talked and hanged out, many times we retreated to do our own.

But I never felt lonely.

I had lots of solitude time, but usually not a lot of times where I felt lonely.

I still don't know what to make of this experience. I won't lie, I'm hoping and praying my living situation changes soon.

Something invaluable I have gained from this experience however, is the sense of connectedness, empathy and understanding I have with my immigrants sisters and brothers. I now know and understand the sense of loneliness that haunts them as they come alone into this country.

Perhaps this is one of the lessons I need to learn.

Loneliness vs. Solitude

Believe it or not, one of the most difficult things for me about moving into my own place is not so much the responsibilities this would entail, but a sense of loneliness that was and at times is, difficult to shake off.

I rent a small room in a house full of disconnected people. There's like 7 of us living in a house, with hardly any connection with each other.

We share bathroom, kitchen, and sometimes words.

My room is small. Being there can feel very trapping.

I hardly felt at home at this place.

Sundays were the worst days. I would go to Mass in the morning, talk with some friends, and then, disappear into my room.

I mean, what else could I do? Pray? Check. Watch a movie? Check. Listen to music? Check.

The loneliness still persisted.

I would usually try to escape this feeling of loneliness by going to spend a weekend visiting my parents, escaping with friends from church on odd adventures, or visiting friends nearby.

A few months back I had an intuition that God was and is trying to use this time for something.

I felt Him speaking to me, one lonely Sunday afternoon, "Why don't you use this time to practice solitude with me?"

The obvious became clear, as it's often the case when one encounters some wise words. Herein lies my solution; not in escapades or in entertainment, but in solitude with God.

I mean, I've done solitude before. I had some solitude retreats before, and while it can be difficult at times, it usually is a calm, healing and reflecting time with God.

But what was missing with my Sunday afternoons was simply intentionality. If I were intentional in using that time as "solitude time with God" then the loneliness would usually leave me.

There is huge difference between loneliness and solitude, though outwardly it may look the same.

Loneliness may be a part of bigger issues that we need to address with God, and solitude may be our dealing of those issues with God. Both can be painful, but one leaves you thirsting while the other satisfied.

Loneliness is a thirst for water, solitude is drinking from the fountain of living water.