Why God, Why?

Let's face it. Most of us at  some points in our life feel tempted to ask this question. I confess that I've asked this question many times this past week.

I'm still having doubts over many things that I'm listening in prayer. Yes, I have received some confirmations from other people of what I heard, but when everything around you seems to contradict what you're listening, and when there is no sure way to tell if what you're listening is really coming from God or not, it is very easy for me to fall into doubt.

I can give you a couple of examples.

First, the Bible study at Thursday night. I felt that God wanted to revitalize this group, and that He wanted to use me in it. The group's been dwindling down lately and it has for quite a while. It's been a year since I received this, but nothing seems to change.

Second, my anxiety. Many times I have heard that God wants to either heal me, liberate me, or offer some sort of relief from my anxiety, but little has changed.

I've been suffering from anxiety since I was a little kid. At times it gets better and at other times it can be debilitating. Many times I feel trapped in my own mind.

Anxiety and depression are deeply connected and I feel that while I haven't succumbed to depression lately, at times I feel deeply discouraged and saddened, and a big part of it is coming from my anxiety.

There are many other examples that I can give you, but these two suffice to make my point. Yes, some things that I've heard in prayer has come true.

Yes, I haven't been as faithful to God as I can be. I haven't offered all these things in prayer as often as I should. I haven't been seeking and knocking on Jesus' door as I feel He wants me to. Yes, I haven't been seeking the Kingdom of God first in everything that I do.

So all I can do at this moment is wait. Seek God first and wait. All of this it's better than asking "Why" questions that probably won't lead me anywhere.

Photo Credit: open pad.

Introducing Comunidad San Dima's Rapper Jaime

Jaime is an interesting character. He is a very quiet and jovial person. His unassuming presence exudes with humbleness. You look at him and the last thought that comes to mind is one of a rapper. But he enjoys rapping and has written a few rhymes.

He's a new volunteer at Comunidad San Dimas, a prison ministry where I do most of my ministry, but in his short time coming with us at juvy, he has become famous with they youth with his rap.

He's currently discerning his vocation to the priesthood, and I'm sure he'll appreciate your prayers for his discernment process.

I share with you a video of Jaime performing one of his rap songs. We were coming out of juvy one Monday night, so I apologize for the poor lighting conditions.

So a Catholic Missionary Goes Into a Pentecostal Church...

This is something that happened to me this past Sunday. I want to share this experience just to showcase how unexpected this ministry can be.

One of the youth we've been working with for the past year called me one night at almost 11pm. At times I call him and he is not in the mood to talk. He can be borderline rude, cutting me short and hanging up on me a few seconds into the call.

And then he can call me, and when he feels in the mood to talk, we can talk for hours. Unfortunately for me, that night when he called me, he felt in the mood to talk.

At 12 am, struggling not to fall asleep, I tell him that maybe we should meet for Church next Sunday, maybe the one he goes to. "Oh yes!". He seemed very excited. The night before I called to confirm our meeting at his church, and to ask for directions. He gave me the directions and said that he would be there.

So I come to this small church on Mission Street at 3pm when the service is supposed to start. As soon as I get in I see many ushers welcoming in. Oh no, I think to myself it is a Latino Pentecostal church. Not exactly my cup of tea.

First, I notice the loud music. Too loud actually. The worship band is playing the same song for almost 15 minutes. I didn't know the song when I came in, but after a while I almost memorized it.

I start looking for my friend, and he is nowhere to be found. Call him, he doesn't answer. Text him, he doesn't answer either.

The church is located on the second floor of an apartment building. There seems to be more ushers than churchgoers. Almost all the women are wearing veils over their heads. I'm surprised to see that a couple of women are actually wearing pants.

I always wondered why Latino Pentecostals manage to have a different accent than the rest of Latin Americans. They pronounce their "t's" softly, for example, as if an adult North American is trying to speak Spanish for the first time. The melody of the accent is also different. It seems as if they are perpetually preaching when they are speaking.

I suppose this is due in part because of the Pentecostals missionaries from North America that came to Latin America and started planting churches. Maybe, but I could be wrong.

Then they start this endless medley of upbeat worship songs. People start to stand up, some of them going to the front of the church. They start dancing. I see a woman with a flag waving it frantically, but she couldn't possibly be less gracious in her radically and undiscriminating movements. Two people with colossal horns start making even more noise. 

I see another woman going around in little circles rapidly, and just when I think that she is going to fall out of sheer dizziness, she stops and starts dancing on the same spot.

At almost 3:40 I see the pastor coming out from a door. Where was he this whole time?!. I'm still waiting for my friend and he is nowhere to be found. The loud music is giving me a headache. I'm deciding whether to get up and start dancing or keep sitting down and be awkward. I decide for the latter.

After an hour and 15 minutes of worship music, most of them repeated almost ad infinitum, I decide to get out of the church.

This ministry can be unexpected, and the flakyness of these young people can put you in situations that you wouldn't be otherwise.

Photo Credit: wharman.

Earthquakes, Halloween, Ghosts and Jesus...

I feel much better at this moment. A couple of weeks have passed since that chaotic week when I lost my job, when ministry seemed to go downhill, and my anxiety and emotions were getting the best of me.

Many opportunities for ministry have come my way now that I don't work at nights. I'm not ready to say that I lost my job just so I can concentrate on my ministry, but I know that God can bring out good from many unfortunate events in our lives.

This past Thursday's bible study was great. I took my team-mate's idea and, since Halloween is just around the corner, we talked about demons and ghosts.

The guys loved it, and everyone seemed anxious to share their ghosts stories. Hearing the almost fabled nature of these stories made me wonder how much of it was true and how much of it was glorified for mere shock value.

We had two earthquakes in San Francisco that day, and the second one added a literal shock value to our stories. While we were in the middle of sharing our stories the earth started to shake. The room's lights went off for less than a second, and everyone was in a state of utter shock.

Thankfully, the lights came on again. Everyone was silent. My mind was wildly amused by the apparent coincidence, thinking to myself, “what the heck is going on here?”. It was as if God decided to add His little touch to the stories.

Of course, talking about darkness seems meaningless, unless you include the contrasting light of Jesus. Later we talked about how we can fight darkness with God.

I learned many things in the past two weeks, and on that Thursday night I had to relearn something that I had apparently forgotten: the message of the Gospel is unnervingly simple, and its strength lies in its magnificent simplicity.

No need to complicate matters with heavy and pretentious theological terms. No need to delve into deep philosophical complications. And while these theological and philosophical endeavors have their purpose and place in God's plan for us, they fall short in revealing God's glory.

I learned the lesson St. John Bosco learned in his ministry with the youth, that the Gospel message should be presented so simply that even a little kid could understand it. Oddly enough, a simple presentation of God's message often leads to deep discussions, and more importantly, deep transformations in our lives.

Photo Credit: Sarah Ackerman.

Sorrow...

It has been over a month since I updated my blog. The reasons for this are many. Part of it is the lost of habits that transitions can bring. Other part is just the difficult times I've been having lately.

I don't wish to just write a list of "bad" things that has happened to me, and so enrich my feeling of self-pity, however tempting that may be.

I just want to share my feelings of helplessness and sorrow.

I feel like I'm failing in all areas of my life.

I just moved into a missionary order that I love and works in the same area where I've been volunteering for the past 5 years. It is a great joy to be received in this community!

But of course, this is not to say that I don't have any difficulties. I feel that I have failed in ministry. Last Thursday's Bible study was a nightmare! I found myself giving a topic that nobody seemed interested at all. A very humbling experience.

I haven't been feeling that good over the past two weeks, as confusion and doubt started to sink in in my mind. Am I really hearing God's voice when I seek His guidance? Or have I deluded myself to such point that I guide myself to wherever I see fit?

Things in life can come up that can threaten this sense of guidance, and I feel like I'm walking in darkness. Where is God's guiding light? Can I even recognize it? I know that His sheep hear His voice, but do I really?

I have reasons to believe that I do, and reasons to believe that I don't. The doubts seem endless, and the anxiety that comes from them can be overwhelming.

I was feeling like this when I was  heading to work last night, and being fired from the job didn't help at all.


I don't know what to do exactly, other than beg God for His guiding voice in me. I hope these times will help me to grow in my relationship with God, instead of alienating me from Him.

God, have mercy on us all. Amen.

Photo Credit: fallingwater123.

Waiting for My Next Big Step in My Life...

What is it about waiting that is so difficult? Why is it that most of the time we rather just not wait?

Could it be that waiting can be a personal limbo? Maybe waiting can force us to stay in idleness? Or maybe that we lose control while we wait?

Whatever the reason, I'm finding it really difficult to wait before taking my next big step in my life.

I applied with the missionary order InnerCHANGE, and thank God, they accepted me!

When I heard the news I was very excited, literally dancing in my steps.

I also got a new a job that fits almost perfectly with my schedule with the order.

But I can't move in with them until mid-September, and the wait is getting difficult. It is not simply a childish desperation to move to the next stage of my life. The difficulty can get heavy at times, sorrowful even.

I moved in with my aunts and uncles in Daly City in August because is closer to my new job. This is (I think) the third time that I move the past year.

While I'm training at my job (a one month training) I can't do much  ministry because of the schedule. I train for one hour every weekday at night.

I really don't feel comfortable where I am. Not because my family here is not welcoming, which they are. It just doesn't feel like home. It doesn't feel like I'm doing much either, just living one day at a time.

I guess moving around and being surrounded by this instability can have its toll on you. But is that all there is to this feeling of sorrow?

Ever since my summer internship ended with this order I have been feeling very nostalgic. Nostalgic about the experiences lived in it, nostalgic about Oakland, nostalgic about many things.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm entering some sort of mild depression. I wonder if there is more to it than just the simple fact that I'm waiting and there's not much I can do about it. Have I lost my peace? I don't think so. But there is still some heaviness about this period.

I'm very excited about my future, however, and I can't wait to see what's ahead of me. I genuinely feel called to this order.

So all I can do is wait. And also pray.


Photo Credit: red twolips.

Oakland Catholic Worker House

This is my second month in Oakland. The ministry opportunities for this city are numerous, so much so that it can get overwhelming. The harvest is ripe in this ministry field.

One ministry opportunity we were fortunate to connect with is the Oakland Catholic Worker House. They offer hot meals to anyone who knocks on their doors, and shelter to many Latin American Immigrants.

After coming one afternoon to OCW during a prayer walk in East Oakland, we promised that we would return some other day to volunteer. We met many of the volunteers, including Lee (if you're reading this, am I spelling your name right?) who was staying there for the summer.

So we came back this past week the day before Lee was leaving (great timing!). We helped with the cleaning and attending the doorbell, which normally signaled that someone is looking for a meal.

I was amazed by the amount of meals served at that place, and how one volunteer was expected to carry out the whole operation by herself.

After the kitchen was closed and the cleaning was done, Lee and I talked for a while about our lives and ministry. She is a theologian student and hopes to finish her Master degree soon. I told her about the ministry with Comunidad San Dimas and she seemed really interested in it.

"Well, maybe you can come next year as a summer intern to try it out" I told her. She said she would think about it.

Before saying good bye, knowing that I will probably not see her again, at least not anytime soon, I told her, "See you next year!". "Ha!" she responded while laughing. "I hope you are not a prophet".

We will see.