Tuesday, October 11, 2011


It has been over a month since I updated my blog. The reasons for this are many. Part of it is the lost of habits that transitions can bring. Other part is just the difficult times I've been having lately.

I don't wish to just write a list of "bad" things that has happened to me, and so enrich my feeling of self-pity, however tempting that may be.

I just want to share my feelings of helplessness and sorrow.

I feel like I'm failing in all areas of my life.

I just moved into a missionary order that I love and works in the same area where I've been volunteering for the past 5 years. It is a great joy to be received in this community!

But of course, this is not to say that I don't have any difficulties. I feel that I have failed in ministry. Last Thursday's Bible study was a nightmare! I found myself giving a topic that nobody seemed interested at all. A very humbling experience.

I haven't been feeling that good over the past two weeks, as confusion and doubt started to sink in in my mind. Am I really hearing God's voice when I seek His guidance? Or have I deluded myself to such point that I guide myself to wherever I see fit?

Things in life can come up that can threaten this sense of guidance, and I feel like I'm walking in darkness. Where is God's guiding light? Can I even recognize it? I know that His sheep hear His voice, but do I really?

I have reasons to believe that I do, and reasons to believe that I don't. The doubts seem endless, and the anxiety that comes from them can be overwhelming.

I was feeling like this when I was  heading to work last night, and being fired from the job didn't help at all.

I don't know what to do exactly, other than beg God for His guiding voice in me. I hope these times will help me to grow in my relationship with God, instead of alienating me from Him.

God, have mercy on us all. Amen.

Photo Credit: fallingwater123.

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