Sometimes I feel Discouraged...

This ministry has its way of surprising you. These mixed surprises are one of the few constants that one can rely upon in this seemingly unstable, volatile and at times fragile ministry.
 

They aren't always pleasant. Half of them aren't. Last night shouldn't have come as a surprise, but its unpleasantness can still be felt.

Nothing extraordinarily bad happened last Thursday night. It's seemingly uneventful nature was striking. It felt just "meh", boring even, and that was the biggest problem. Usually on Thursday nights things go one way or the other, great or terribly bad. The unbearable middle is unfamiliar, and to a certain extent, unwanted. Best part is that I was leading. Perhaps this is just an overly pessimistic view of it, it probably is. I know good things came out of it in the end.

I know God wants to do great things with this little group, but sometimes it feels like it's just dying. One night, last year, I was to lead the group as well. Nobody came so I just stayed there praying. I was saddened by the absence of the boys. But something happened while praying.

I felt God was giving me these undeniable sense that He wanted to do great things in this little group. He wanted to revitalize it, and He wanted me to be part of it. I was deciding whether I should continue volunteering in the group at the moment.

So I stayed, and the group slowly became one of my priorities. In fact, I felt in love with it. Good things started to come, but no drastic change, and at times it feels like nothing has changed. 

The group isn't consistently growing. There seems to be a lack of progress. Nights like yesterday makes me wonder if I was wrong in thinking that I was listening from God. It can be difficult to believe that when you see not much change.

But then again I have been lazy. I haven't planned out things as I should. I had relied too much on improvisation. I haven't prayed as much about it as I should. I forget that it is not my work, but His.

I find encouragement in this 19th century African American Spiritual, There is a Balm in Gilead:

Sometimes I feel discouraged

and think my work's in vain,

but then the Holy Spirit

revives my soul again.

This is my prayer today. Come Holy Spirit come. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

Photo Credit: jhcloud8.

I Strongly Feel God is Calling me to be a Saint...

I remember my conversion 9 years ago. I remember the refreshing air that seemed to surround my atmosphere. This fresh air brought winds from a new creation. This is the best way I can describe what I was feeling in those days: the joy, the peace, and the incredible desire to be a saint.

But, as the years started to go by, and life's experiences brought me back to even where I was before I converted, that feeling started to "die" slowly, so slowly, that I was unaware of its own death.

I tried to revive this feeling, and while I made some progress in terms of devotion, the feeling was hard to resurrect. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, the feeling remained dormant, with little hints of it surviving. Until now...

These past events in my life, including the current storm, has brought me into an intimacy with God. "I feel" I told my spiritual director once "I feel as if God and I are in a honeymoon at this moment". This intimacy has gradually increased with time, and as the tribulations rise, His love is even more abundant.

Even though I don't feel God is calling me to be a priest or a religious, even though I'm probably headed to marriage, in despite of all this, I feel so strongly in my heart that I must be a saint, and nothing else would suffice. I feel God is tugging strongly in my heart, this sense of tranquil urgency; I must be a saint, there is no way out of it.

But I believe all of us are called to be a saint. We must receive this calling in our hearts as well, while we are looking for Him, our Beloved, in prayer. Will I fail? If I trust in my own strength, in my own habits and humanity, I will surely fail. With God? I cannot fail.

I like being busy, but I hate being tired!

My life has changed substantially in the past few months. I now find myself trying desperately to adjust to a difficult schedule. I'm sleep deprived, tired, and best of all busy.

I have to admit, I like being busy, but as of late, I'm starting to dread being tired. I have noticed that my emotional level goes down considerably when I'm tired. I tend to dwell more on pessimistic thoughts, my faith gets bombarded by doubts, my anxiety betrays the sense of peace I thought I had. In a nutshell, everything seems to simply suck when I'm tired!

I'm working 32 hours per week and studying part time. On paper this is not a disagreeable situation at all. Only that I have to work the graveyard shifts on Mondays and Thursdays. Mondays (and consequently Tuesdays) are the worst days because I have to go to school the next day in the morning, getting off from school in the late afternoon, to finally go home and rest! As I shared in a Facebook update not too long ago, despite the fact that I'm walking around campus as if drunk, and my biggest academic achievement is to stay awake during classes, I seem to be managing well!

Thursdays are a bit more manageable. I go to school almost all day, then head off to the youth group for ministry, and finally end my day by working the graveyard shift right after the youth group. We usually have some time for fellowship after the youth group, which I unfortunately am obliged to miss because of my work schedule. This is rather unfortunate, given that this fellowship is essential in establishing relationships with the young people who attend. And since the ministry deals with gang members, this relationship is even more important in order to gain their trust and share the Gospel in a personal way. Friday morning I have to commute back to my house, which is 50 minutes away from where I work. Staying awake during this commute is a massive undertaking!

But I'm getting used to this schedule. Staying awake seems easier. And while I like being busy, I'm still getting used to being tired.

No Pain no Gain!

Aren't you tired of that clichéd phrase? I sure am. This phrase is meant to motivate us to go through a painful process in order to gain something. I've seen it plastered inside gyms, as indicators that your pain is not in vain. For me this phrase is just a painful reminder of our reality: we survive from one painful experience, get a little breath, and when we start to feel comfortable, another painful experience awaits us in the next corner of life. That seems to be the reality of our life, however dim this perspective strikes us. But, however pessimistic this perspective of life seems, it is through these painful moments that we gain everything by losing everything.

I have gone through the experiences and events that led to my current storm in life in my past post, so I won't dwell on those things here. Writing is strangely therapeutic, and so I decided to write a few more posts about it while I am going through it. It helps me to put things into perspective, and perhaps (I hope) it will help others who are going through similar situations.

So getting back to pain. Many of us, in remembering those past storms in our lives, can see that we had gained something from those painful moments. For some of us is strength, to others a wake up call, to others pain is simply there to remind us of hope, of our longing to be fulfilled. What have I gained in this current storm? Even though the storm is still raging in me, I can perfectly see what I had gained so far in this storm.

I feel that I have gained strength. Talking to a friend not too long ago, she recalled how fearful I seemed a few months back, long before this storm even started. She is right. I was hopelessly fearful. I remember my past disappointments (especially romantic ones!) and how poorly I coped in those situations. I was fearful of pain. I wanted to avoid pain by not venturing out of my comfort zone. I restrained myself needlessly in order to not feel the sting of disappointment. My self esteem suffered from the isolation of these risk filled events, and the successes they sometimes bring. I was also fearful in trusting God, troubled with endless loops of doubts. What if I trusted God with something and He didn't show up? How would I deal with the disappointment? I chose to trust Him superficially, to play things safely. This lack of trust, of course, affected deeply my relationship with God. "Now I see you with such courage, you are different than before!" she told me. Courage?! I didn't even realized it, but God had truly changed me in this storm. I am by no means the most courageous person, but I'm tired of fear governing my every step. I'm tired of fear keeping me from loving and trusting the beautiful and magnificent God that we serve!

I feel that I have gained more faith. There is nothing more fertilizing than a storm for the cultivation of faith. When every secure thing in your life crashes down, when insecurities taunts you mercilessly with the uncertain future, and when every constant is robbed from your presence, what is left for the human soul but to look upwards to the only constant in his or her life? In situations like these, we are almost forced to trust and have faith in God, because there is no other in whom you can trust your uncertain future. I feel that slowly, God is giving me faith to trust in Him and His mercy. I don't have faith that can move the mountains, but I feel I have gained the faith to bring me back to my knees, and let God do the moving.

I feel that I have gained more purity. To be purified we have to go through the fire. It is one of the paradoxes of the Christian life. When we feel hopeless, that pain is robbing us of every good sparks in our souls, when normal and small details irritate us and we are prompt to anger and pessimism, it is in this apparent despicable state that we are being purified, even without our noticing it. For the past 2 years I had struggled with a habitual sin that I just didn't seem to have enough strength to defeat it. There are other habitual sins that I have also struggled with, and, in trying my best to defeat it, there is some progress, but I always seem to slip back to my old self. But in this state that I find myself in presently, I have noticed that this habitual sin, and some others, are being eliminated, without my trying so hard. I gave up control by losing it, and not through my own strength I have been set free of this, but only by the grace of God. This alone makes the storm more than worth its pain.

I am sure that I can name many other things that I have gained through this storm. The best part it's that the storm is not over yet (wait, am I really saying this?!). I have still a lot more to gain it seems, and I'm sure God won't abandon me in the middle of it. I am a work in progress, with a perpetual sign over me that says "God at work".