It's been 2 months since I received that letter. To tell you the truth, yes, I'm still in pain. Besides the pain, there are some other things that I'm still struggling with, which I'll share briefly in this post.
I have a desire to pursue marriage sometime in the future, but this desire comes not without its struggle. I feel called to full time ministry, and I'm worried that If I get married, my ministry would suffer. There is also a sense of guilt over leaving seminary, even though I don't feel called to the priesthood or the religious life. But as the anxious person as I am, I'm constantly thinking of the repercussions that this decision can have in my ministry and life. Would I be able to serve the youth in my full capacity, without the status that a priest or a religious person enjoy? All these questions, given their hypothetical nature, are difficult to answer in a personal level. But, despite the emotional struggle that my decision brings, I still have peace over it.
I'm also struggling with my grieving over this girl. My feelings for her have not changed, and at times, seeing her is painful. She is part of the same ministry I work with, and there are many opportunities to see her. In dealing with past disappointments, I would simply detach myself from that person for a good period of time, until the memories lost their painful aftertaste. I have asked God permission to leave the ministry for a while, but I keep getting the same answer: He doesn't want me to leave. He is giving me the strength to deal with this situation, and by His grace alone I have been able to continue in the ministry. He keeps telling me to trust Him and to leave everything in His hands, even my future with her. I don't understand exactly what He is doing, but I'm putting my trust in Him, even though I have to admit, it is not always easy.
But not all is gray and sour! God has blessed me immensely! I finally have a job and things are going well. Studies are going somewhat smoothly. There are many blessings that God in His infinite mercy has bestowed upon me. And, even in the middle of the pain, His joy and peace are there to remind that indeed I'm not alone, and I will never be alone.