New Year's Resolutions September Update!

The month of September is one of the few months were I felt I made some tangible and recognizable progress!

It hasn't been perfect. It never is.

It is one month, however, where I felt more in control in many areas of my life. It didn't start with a happy sunrise, but with a gloomy and cloudy environment. I was in a funk.

God took all of this and transformed it by reminding me of some lessons learned and ignored with the helpless passing of time.

More on that later! Let's dive in into my 2013 resolutions.

Resolution #1: Achieve my ideal weight.

I lost some weight! I have decided to exercise more. Last week, for example, I started running!

I always hated running. It seemed to me like a torturous punishment, and seeing how many types of effective exercise are out there, it seemed pointless to me.

Impulsed by some friends I decided to give it a try. Who knows? Maybe I'll get used to it and start liking it.

Resolution #2: Keep my room clean, year long.

Okay, my room is still a mess, but at least it's less messy than before! I have made small but important improvements.

I have said many times before in this blog that the opportunity to mature comes at you daily, even in seemingly unimportant tasks.

What I have discovered this month, however, is that it goes beyond tasks. It can all be covered under the umbrella of decisions.

Life is full of decisions. To some of us, accustomed to the habitual MO of life, it can be incredibly easy to live it in autopilot.

This can take away from us the power of conscious decision making, and I have come to believe that the best way to grow is by taking this power back.

Anyways, small conscious decisions have helped me clean up my room a bit.

Resolution #3: Update my blog regularly, minimum once a week.

I am glad to say that I've done this for the month of September!

This blog serves to me an utilitarian purpose. It really helps me to keep focused on the journey I decided to take a year ago.

The commitment I took to update this blog has helped me in being focused and accountable in this journey. 

I'm glad I took it.

God is committed to us

It's been a year since I started this blog! Back then I realized that I needed some serious changes in my life if I was to continue doing the work God is calling me to do.

I made the commitment to God to mature more in His image. This blog was a way to document and share those struggles.

There are a few things I have learned this year. Maturity comes slowly, painfully slow.

It's not like I naively believed that by the end of the year I would be a complete new person, equally balanced in all the right places.

But I never thought it would be this slow.

I also learned that growth comes not steadily, but in stages. This is important to know, since disappointment can quickly sink in at seeing how you sometimes take 3 steps forward and then two back.

The most important thing I learned, however, is that God remains heavily committed to us throughout this process.

No matter how little growth we bring back to Him, no matter how hopeless we may feel in some stages, He never gives up on us.

He never gave up on me.

There were times were I thought change was almost impossible, too difficult for me, and therefore felt hopeless about the whole enterprise.

I felt weary, and wanted to try no more.

I didn't see, however, how God in His Grace was working behind the scenes.

I didn't see how He slowly brought subtle changes, not because I made the changes, but because in every encounter with Him, in every single moment of intimacy, His presence slowly changes you.

I was driving home one night after work when it suddenly dawned on me how God has remained committed to me.

Those who have been reading this blog know that I struggle with being firm. It is in fact, one of the most difficult traits I need to grow in my life.

At the beginning of the year, the owner of the gas station called me in to the office.

He said "you really need to pay more attention to shoplifters. I haven't seen anyone as bad as you for keeping shoplifters out! They know when you work and they come here to steal! I told you this many times now. At this point it would be cheaper to hire somebody else. Please do this!"

I know I needed to pay more attention. I know I needed to be more firm with shoplifters, otherwise I would lose my job. I took this as an opportunity to grow in my firmness.

After a few months of trying, my assistant manager told me one night before leaving work, "I just talked to the owner and he is very pleased with how you've been working. You are like one of our top 4 know in keeping shoplifters out!"

As I was driving home that night, still digesting those words, I felt as if God was speaking in my heart "I'm committed to you".

Hallelujah! He is committed to us!

Practicing Virtues - Temperance (Update)

Almost two months ago, I published a post on temperance, where I committed to practicing that virtue, and also to give an update about my experiences.

You can view the original post here.

So, how has it been?

Good and bad, to be honest.

As I said in my last post, New Year's Resolutions August Update, my body and mind seemed to rebel against resolutions and commitments right after I made them.

In observing myself, however, I have learned a few things.

Right after I started I was mildly temperate, fluctuating between abstinence and indulgence, at least when it came to eating.

I was heavily distraught by the ebb and flow of my behavior, and thought myself, at one point, utterly incapable of any substantial change in this regard.

I continued to observe myself, and I realized that I needed to go deeper into my problems. It's not just about making a commitment, sit back, and observe how the changes come naturally.

It is not as if behavioral change comes naturally, mysteriously fed by the powerful force of commitments.

I forgot something I mentioned earlier in this blog: maturity doesn't come naturally. It comes with a fight.

Every opportunity that present itself in life is an opportunity to fight or fly, to deal with them with the mind of Christ, or with the mind of the world (Philippians 2:5).

I remembered something that I discovered almost a year ago, where I felt I grew faster than before; that is, that growth has to be intentional, and that every task is an opportunity to ask yourself, "How would Christ do this?"

This simple, and even cliched question, forces you to observe your actions and how they mirror the image of Christ or not.

I started to ask this question more frequently, and the changes it has brought to my life are remarkable!

If we truly believe, that we, as sons and daughters of God, have the mentality of Christ, then we can trust in the subtle guidance of the Spirit when we submit ourselves, and our tasks, to Him.

How would Christ deal with my job? Would He take extra minutes when He has a break?

Would He clean halfheartedly this garbage can? Would He shout back insults to the rude customer?

How would Christ deal with this meal choice? Would He stuff himself with unhealthy food to satisfy His stomach?

Would Christ leave His clothes on the floor because it is more convenient to do so?

These difficult questions, easier ignored, has helped me in making small changes in my behavior. I feel more temperate than before. I feel more in control of the choices I make mostly because, well, I'm giving myself the opportunity to make them.

And that is the key to practicing virtues: giving yourself the opportunity to make constant choices in your life, instead of allowing the old behavioral autopilot of our lives.

For if we are faithful with little, we will be faithful with much.

Practicing Virtues - Temperance

As I was praying one Saturday afternoon, hoping to receive something from God to help me, I heard Him say "practice the virtue of temperance".

I heard those words clearly in my mind, especially the word "practice".

"Practice?" I thought, with a bit of disbelief. "That sounds so Pharisaical" was my first thought.

After all, I thought the whole thing about the pharisees' self righteousness came from their focus on virtues, to the point that God became paradoxically secondary to them. My focus is Christ and my relationship with Him, not virtues.

But I feel this view is myopic, and a focus on God shouldn't necessarily mean an unfocus on virtues. God and virtues are not mutually exclusive. In fact, they should go, by necessity, hand in hand.

Practice also denotes a sense that we will become holy by our own will and force, another mistake of the pharisees. This is something we also want to avoid.

But this is not necessarily so. Practice doesn't exclude grace. What we need more of is not idle grace, but intentional grace.

This is where practice comes from. If we seek God's grace in every step of our practice, knowing full well that we are depended on Him for every godly action, then we can be sure of avoiding the yeast of the pharisees.

All relationships need to be intentional. They don't simply "grow naturally", though some might give the impression that they do.

At the centerpiece of every relationship is love, and real love is intentional.

When Jesus tells us to love our enemies He is also calling us away from this vulgarization and degradation of love, where we water it down to good and happy feelings.

He is calling us into intentional love. He is calling us into real love, not infatuation.

Love is always a choice.

You can't be intentional without planning any actions, and you can't perfect actions without practice.

And so it is, that practice, and indeed, the practice of virtues, is a necessity if we wish to grow in our loving relationship with God.

But enough of that! Let's talk about temperance.

Temperance is defined as moderation in thoughts, actions and feelings. Restrain, self-control. These are all words that come to mind when we think of temperance.

Titus 2: 11-12 tells us "For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age" (ESV).

How do we practice temperance? Good ol' self denial is a good way.

Whenever an opportunity comes to satisfy a desire, we can intentionally delay its gratification, or deny it altogether.

Fasting. Having one serving during dinner. Avoiding the snooze button the next morning. No coffee for one week. These are all great ways we can practice temperance in our lives.

I have been trying to work on temperance this week, and I intend to do so for the next month, in many ways.

I'm controlling with more diligence what I eat. Ever since I started practicing this I seem less and less preoccupied with food.

One example of this is how I control my time of eating while I work in the mornings.

I usually wake up with hunger. When I got to my job at 5 am I grabbed something to eat as soon as I got there.

Now I wait until 8 am to eat my breakfast.

Another way is to avoid oversleeping. I overslept a lot last week. This week, I'm trying to wake up earlier and spend the time I slept in prayer.

I feel much better now! So much more balanced! The effort is worth it.

What is your opinion on practicing virtues? Does it lead to Pharisaical self-righteousness? How do you practice temperance in your life?

Frugality

"He is just frugal" said a brother from the Augustinians, with a look of disdain, referring to one of our superiors when we were in the order.

Father would buy his clothes in thrift stores. We never had paper towels or paper napkins. Sometimes we didn't use the dishwasher as washing the dishes by hand required less water.

I always been big on spending.

I always thought of frugality as something negative. Some call people who are frugal "cheap" and other less gentle terms.

In Nicaraguan culture you could be socially ostracized if you are perceived cheap by others, especially when it comes to sharing with your friends.

But looking deeper into simplicity and frugality, I realize now that being frugal is not about being cheap, but simply about being prudent in what you spend your money on.

Frugality has been recently brought to my attention by reading Walter Isaacson "Benjamin Franklin: An American Life".

Benjamin was big on frugality, and he praised this virtue, along with industry, as his key to success.

I do believe frugality is a virtue, but being honest, I just hate being frugal.

Whenever I practice frugality there is this sense that I'm missing out on something. It feels like being frugal actually takes more work. It hardly feels practical.

But virtues are not necessarily about being comfortable, or finding an easier way out. I believe, paraphrasing Richard J. Foster, that a virtuous life is a life that works.

We perform virtues because they need to be done, not because they are the easier way out.

In a world filled with consumerism and materialism, where over consumption is putting a toll not only on God's creation, but also the marginalized poor around the world, I see frugality as a virtuous necessity.

I believe that our over consumption (this time paraphrasing Pope Francis), our wasting away of goods, is like stealing from the poor.

And yet I do it time and time again.

I know I talked about simplicity before here, but now I want to work on this virtue, and be more intentional about it.

This Sunday I plan to get rid of a bunch of stuff that are still cluttering my room.

I will get rid of a bunch of CDs and books and just plain old stuff I never really use.

I am already excited about doing this and will report about it in a later post.

What is your take on being frugal? How do you practice this virtue? How can you grow in this virtue?

New Year's Resolution June Update!

It is that time of the month again, where I share about my failures and achievements on my New Year's resolutions.

It has been an interesting month, one where I feel I'm finally taking control on my resolutions.

Resolution #1: Achieve my ideal weight.

After last months' disappointment, I began to watch more what I ate. I also started exercising more. My exercises consist on simply walking. I enjoy walking, and this month I have been rediscovering my joy of walking.

I am happy to announce that this month I lost 5 pounds! Not bad!

I also want to pay more attention to what I eat. I have watched and controlled my calorie intake, but the quality of the food is still lacking. This will be my goal for this month: healthier food instead of less food.

Resolution #2: Keep my room clean, year long.

My room has been a mess this month, but its looking better! I have new bed sheets thanks to my girlfriend (thanks!) and I have done some cleanups.

I resolved to clean my room once a week on Saturday afternoons. I haven't done this every week, but only twice this month. It makes a huge difference though.

I still need to get rid of a bunch of books and clothes and CDs and other stuff I don't really need. My hope is for the next month to have less stuff cluttering my room.

Resolution #3: Update my blog regularly, minimum once a week.

Yes, my blog has been updated at least once a week. I'm beginning to enjoy it once again. Once I stopped writing my blog for almost two weeks it was difficult to get back on track. It is so much easier to take life as it gets, and there were many times I didn't want to write. What huge gain am I getting from keeping this blog updated?

It's not like I'm making money out of it I thought.

But I want to be persistent and consistent because those are good things in themselves. I'm practicing consistency. I'm training myself out of this instant gratification mindset I'm still relying on.

That's it for this month! See you next!

Self-righteousness and Self-esteem

Two weeks before Lent was over, God was calling me into a deeper intimacy with Him.

I can't tell you exactly how it started, but I remember a thirst growing inside of me to learn more about contemplative prayer, and even the monastic life.

There was also a desire to pray. I saw how minutes flied in prayer, and many times even hours in prayer felt short.

I started praying the divine office with more diligence. I started to attend mass more frequently.

I felt more at peace. I felt more joyful. I also felt more self-righteous.

Slowly these nagging voices started to come into my head. Look at all these people, they don't pray as you do. Why they don't come to mass as frequently as you do? Look at this neighbor, trying to be a show off with his 3 huge cars and look how simply you live.

These voices kept coming almost inadvertently into my mind. I tried fighting them, but many times the thoughts and its feelings were difficult to shake off.

Then one morning during prayer, I had this vision of me as a toddler struggling and learning to walk. I saw Jesus with His arms stretched, smiling, encouraging me to keep walking.

And then He told me "Don't think of yourself as an adult in this, but as a baby who is barely learning how to walk in my steps. Walk my son, for I am guiding you".

It was a humbling vision. I haven't even learned to walk and I think myself as spiritually superior to others.

And then came the fall. Sin is always chasing us around.

The voices turned sour this time. You are not a true follower of Jesus. You are not worthy to be a missionary. You are probably the most sinful and worthless of all the missionaries here.

How to believe this voice in my head? At one point it exalts me and canonizes me before dying, at in the same breath it condemns me to hell and tells me I'm not a true christian!

I have wondered whether there is a connection between having a low self-esteem and being self-righteous.

I have been told that bullies love put downs because of their own lack of confidence and self-esteem.

Can something similar be happening here with self-righteousness?  How is that after discovering my sinful nature I am so quickly prone to think of myself as worthless? Why do I feel so spiritually powerful and then, in the middle of my weakness, the most hideous heathen?

I can come out from the whole of low self-esteem, see a glimpse of spiritual growth, and then hold on to that moment in time, allowing my self-esteem to rest on it. The result are self-righteous thoughts, feelings and attitudes.

When that moment in time is gone, my self esteem, seeing no base to rest on, falls to the floor.

Pride and self-righteousness then, seems to come not from high self-esteem, but from a low self-esteem.

And maybe self-loathing and self-deprecation leads not to humility but self-righteousness.

How different it would be to truly see my sinfulness and yet, at the same time, the immense grace of God that adopts me into His family?

How different it would be if all of us would find our identity and worth in God, and not in our jobs, careers and degrees, or even worse, our spiritual growth.

New Year's Resolution March Update!

It's amazing how fast this year is passing by! Though this should hardly surprise us, since we probably said the same thing about last year.

Anyways, it's that time of the month again, where I get to divulge my commitment (or lack of) on this year's resolutions. It is my way of giving value to these otherwise forgotten resolutions.

So let's start with Resolution #1!

Resolution #1 Achieve my ideal weight:

I still weigh the same, around 260 lbs. Yes, no weight loss this month, unfortunately. But I am not disappointed or discouraged, because I know that I will lose this weight.

I have decided to stick with my flexitarian diet, eating meat on weekends or in special occasions. Unfortunately, my criteria for what constitute a special occasion can be very loose and flexible.

I am eating a lot less meat now, however, and I hope that this diet is healthier for me.  

I am thinking of even making more changes to my diet. I'm thinking of even limiting what kind of meat I eat. I have no desire of eating more meat from these meat factories of today, where animals are simply treated as products.

Buying only grass fed beef, where cattle is treated humanely, is more expensive, and therefore not realistic to my budget, but on the other hand, my budget will guarantee that I really only eat meat on special occasions. The alternative of cheap meal is simply less attractive to me.

This is more than a leftist liberal turn to me but a Franciscan one, as St. Francis was one who cared deeply for animals, even calling them "brothers".

Resolution #2: Keep my room clean, year long.

I have seen some progress on this. I have rearranged some stuffs in my room and have more space in it. Things are more organized and clean than they were last month. But I still have too much stuffs and a desire has grown in me to give away a good part of it.

I was thinking of why I hate moving so much, and one reason of course, is moving all the stuff that I accumulated over the years.

My mounting collection of CDs. Seriously, why do I need so many of them?!

Having more stuff also means that I need to devote more time to clean them, organize them, and taking care of them. It is too much work, and I don't want to work so much for my possessions.

Resolution #3: Update my blog regularly, at least once a week.

Okay, I didn't post on my blog one week during lent! But other than that I have updated my blog pretty regularly, and I plan to continue doing so.

In fact, I want to update my blog more than once a week, maybe more than twice a week.

That's it for this month, see you next!

I'm Not My Accomplishments

I have a confession to make.

Many times in my life I struggle with who I am, or rather think I am, because of my accomplishments.

I start many things that I never finish. I'm 27 years old and  I haven't finished college. I didn't go through seminary for more than 2 years.

When I finally started in full ministry as a missionary I didn't do the ministry that I was hoping, because I didn't give my all.

I can make a frustratingly long list of things I didn't finish, or I ultimately do half-heartedly. Sometimes my mind ruminates, consciously and subconsciously, over this long list, and comes to the wrong conclusion that I'm somehow not good enough.

I'm lazy, I'm inconsistent, I'm unreliable. A simple look at this list can certainly lead to such conclusions about myself.

And then, in the midst of all this self-pity party, I can miss a very important truth about myself: I am not my accomplishments.

I can't base my identity on them. I can't base my self esteem on them. I can't build my life around them.

I think I'm not the only one who struggles with this. After all, in our western culture we tend to value more what we can or can't do than who we really are.

There is a powerful danger in this tendency, however. It is a destructive two edged sword where in the end, no matter where it strike us, still does great harm to us.

On one end, if our accomplishments are little, according to this world and its cultures, our self esteem suffers. We think of ourselves as worthless and perhaps lacking some nature that others with far bigger accomplishments have.

On the other end, if our accomplishments are many, according to this world and its cultures, our self esteem suffers as well. It suffers because we think we are all that, that of course we have that special nature that others simply lack.

How do we avoid these two horns?

I'm starting to go on the slow road of seeing things in a different way. Basing my life on my accomplishments will ultimately kill me.

I can only base it in who I am in Christ. If I build my house on the rock, then I will not perish.

It is simple, and yet its simplicity can elude us.

Yesterday, as I was getting ready to lead the choir for the youth group, I decided to pray: God, if everything goes badly, then help me to realize that that alone doesn't define me. Help me not to base my self esteem in my accomplishments. If everything goes well, then help me to give all the glory to You, for I can't base my self esteem on that as well.

People tell me it went well, but I didn't think it did. I was feeling a bit down. "Why do you think it went bad?" asked me surprised one member of the choir. "Did we do something wrong?"

"No I think you guys did great. I just saw this guy laughing at us, trying to hold his laughter during worship"

"You know what?" He told me "I don't care anymore if they do or not laugh. I decided that I'm doing this because of Jesus, to serve Him and serve them. That's all that really matters"

Oh how easy I forget.

Where True Maturity Comes From

There is a saying popular in Latin American, possibly from Miguel Cervantes, that says "Tell me thy company and I tell thee what thou art".

I'm starting to believe that the best way to mature is through intimacy with God.

True maturity is more than simply imitating Christ, but becoming Christ-like.

How is He like? What is His character like? What are His values? How are we supposed to know unless we spend time with Him?

When we have an intimate encounter with God we can be eager to follow him, and in this emotional high we can pursue His teachings in perhaps unhealthy ways. Some of us get stuck in this early stage for far too long.

We can try as hard as we can to be like Christ, and follow every step correctly, at least outwardly. But character growth is not achieved overnight, it doesn't come without a fight, there is a price to pay in denying ourselves.

In this early stage we can be perceived as hypocrites and even fanatics, trying to be super gentle and sweet or whatever we perceive Christ to be for example, and people around us can easily see this act  we are trying so hard to pull off.

We can become Pharisees.

Let us, therefore, not rush into sainthood, but continue steadily, and perhaps slowly, in this race, where every step that we take is fueled and inspired by the Holy Spirit, instead of our own flesh.

Let us grow but in Christ alone, where our time spent with Him slowly changes us into the beings He created us to be.

Catholics, let us spend time with Him in the Eucharist, knowing that we become what we eat, His body and blood.

There is a story of Steve Jobs becoming orange from his obsessive diet of carrots. We become what we eat.

Evangelical Christians have showed us a great example in how to grow in Him through their love and devotion of Scriptures. We find Christ throughout Scriptures. Both Old Testament and New Testament give testimony of Christ, but we find Him specially in the Gospel narratives.

Let us therefore enjoy Christ in Scriptures, for ignoring Scriptures is ignoring Christ (St. Jerome).

I believe that, if and only if we spend our company with Christ, then we can become like Him.

Operation Room Cleanup Update

So it's been a week since I made the commitment to clean up my room and be done with the unpacking.

With the amount of stuff that I've accumulated over the years, this is no easy task.

Well, how did I do?

Ok, mostly.

Honestly, I'm still not done with my room, but I've made good progress.

I gave out a third of my clothes, for example, and I have a bit more room in my, um, room.

I connected an extension that I had for a while, to connect my lamp, since there is no electronic outlet nearby.

I arranged some books and threw away copies of old magazines.

I arranged some of my clothes.

I swept the floor and it's oh so much cleaner.

There seems to be a bit more order in this room, and I'm happy with the progress I've made.

But I'm still not done with it. And so, Operation Room Cleanup continues. Unfortunately it will take me a little bit more than a week to finish it.

I am content that I'm one step closer to finishing moving in.

Oh, having a room in order, the seemingly endless task.

Moving away from "I failed"...

"So what's God been teaching you lately?" A friend asked me recently.

I thought about this for a few seconds, and then I remembered something I heard when I was praying when I was working.

I was working the graveyard shift at Pacifica, and I was feeling tired and miserable.

The manager had called me earlier, changing my schedule once again. "I think it would better for you if you work Wednesday and Thursday" she said. Those are the only two days that I have for ministry. "I can't, I have other commitments".

This was the third time that she changes my schedule.

"Oh you and your commitments!" she answered with frustration. "Jose, I thought this was going to work with you living far away and everything, but if you can't work those nights then I'm gonna have to let you go".

And so I was working that night, with the familiar feeling of failure looming over me. I checked the schedule, and I wasn't there anymore.

It wasn't just this event that was carrying the feeling, which any sane person would think me mostly blameless.

It was the scolding that I would get from her almost every time she saw me. How I forgot to do this and that, how I wasn't doing "anything" and so on and on...

She did know, however, that many times I stayed working up to 40 minutes without pay, trying to finish all the tasks that were required. I was new and my work rhythm wasn't yet developed.

I thought the reason that she changed my schedule and ultimately took me off the schedule was because she was dissatisfied with my job and wanted to fire me in a passive aggressive manner.

"I failed" I told God that night, tears welling up in my eyes "I'm sorry".

"No you didn't fail" I heard back. "I put you in this job for a reason, to grow in it, and you will be here as long as I want you to. You have grown because of this job."

It's true, I have grown a lot because of this job.

Did I make mistakes? Yes. Could I have done things better? Yes. But I am a better worker thanks to this job, and maybe that was God's purpose in putting me there.

They didn't fire me that day, as I continued to work after that, until I quit a couple of days ago, having received more hours at my job in Oakland.

We are an "end result" oriented people. We tend to look at the end result and judge the whole process accordingly.

Sometimes our extreme pragmatism, our "whatever works" mentality makes us do things unethically, overriding the common clichéd saying of "the end doesn't justify the means".

But maybe God sees things differently. Maybe he sees our experiences as what they are, even if the end result wasn't what we wanted. Maybe it is the growing that comes from "failing" that really matters.

I am learning to move away from "I failed". I don't longer feel that I failed with my job at Pacifica.

How about my year at San Francisco? I have to be honest, it's still too fresh and still see myself like I failed.

But I know I'm slowly moving away from that.

That's what God has been teaching me lately.

Photo Credit: Marcie Casas.

Hiding Behind Your Personality Type

This is difficult.

There are so many areas that I need to grow in that I don't even know where to start.

As I shared in my last post, maturity doesn't come naturally, and our flesh fights against it. And fight it does, with everything it has, and it won't let you win as easily as you thought.

It seems that my personality type is also "fighting" against me. As an ENFP, they tell me that I regard routine tasks as unimportant and mundane, and that I have a problem following through commitments, which doesn't really make the most productive worker.

It would be so much easier for me to hide behind my personality type and say "You see! This is how I am and I have no fault in it"

Many of us do this. I have done it many times. "This is the way God created me" we even dare to say as an excuse to not change.

As I was applying to my job at Pacifica, there was a long questionnaire that I needed to fill out that would reveal a lot of my personality, to see how good a fit I am to the job.

A couple of days after filling out the application, I called the manager of the store to see how things are going.

"Jose" she said "I received your application and you got a really low score...in fact your score is the lowest of anyone who has ever applied here...your score is of 60%".

I remained silent, not knowing what to say. I felt as if reality was hitting me mercilessly in the face, and I felt that familiar sense in me, shame of who I am. It didn't help that I could hear the cashier and future coworker (presumably next to the manager as she was talking to me) giggling as she said this. That familiar sense of almost belonging, but not really, because I wasn't good enough...

The manager then proceeded to name the weaknesses that the test revealed "it says here that you have problems following through your commitments, that you are only organized when you have to, that you let your emotions affect your work..."

And then she proceeded to my strengths "You like team work, you are happy when others succeed..."

Yeah, a really nice and lazy guy, I thought. Way to go Jose.

All the wounds seemed to resurface at this point. All the people that told me "When are you finally going to grow up?!". I felt the sting of every word. I remained silent again.

It would be so much easier to hide behind these feelings and wounds.It would be so much easier to hide and simply accept my weaknesses as God given, and grow sour and depressed from all the wounding.

God created us beautifully. It is true that our personality types come with weaknesses, but it is also true that it is part of God's plan to share His divine nature with us, so we can grow into the image of His son.

He will only share of Himself as we allow Him to, gently pushing us to open even more areas of ourselves, until He consumes all. This beautiful union doesn't destroy us, creating cookie cutter versions of Him.

It completes us. We remain completely ourselves as we are completely His.

This is the mystery of the wedding of our Beloved with His Church.

Photo Credit: hang_in_there.

Introducing Blog Changes

Things have changed. I just completed my Apprenticeship in San Francisco and for my novitiate I'm going to be in Oakland. The ministry has changed as well.

I'm going to be working with the immigrant youth in East Oakland, trying to connect them with the local parish.

The focus of this blog will change as well. It's focus will be in the struggles that we can go through in our maturing in Christ.

For the longest time I simply assumed that maturity came naturally. My hair grows naturally into some unidentifiable mess, and no matter how much I protest against its disposition to chaos, every morning it greets me with an even longer defiance.

Not so with character maturity.

The year in San Francisco helped me realize that there has to be some dramatic changes in my character if I am to continue serving God the way He calls me to.

I realize that I have to give glory to God in everything that I do. Am I giving glory to God in the way I conduct everyday business? With the words I say? With the way I cut corners in many things that I do?

To help me do this I decided to move into my own space in East Oakland. My room will be like my little kingdom, and how I deal with it should portray part of my character growth.

I also got a job. Two jobs actually.

One is in Oakland, the other in Pacifica. One is in a rough neighborhood, the other in a tranquil area right next to the beach. I couldn't find a more dramatic contrast.

Both jobs are as a cashier in a gas station.

One day the streets were filled with police cars and a Swat team truck right across  the gas station in Oakland. Not too long ago I saw a Lamborghini parked at the one in Pacifica.

The demands from management are also different. Pacifica is very strict with the way one deals with everyday task, writing down every single maintenance task that one does in the station. The one in Oakland is more loose. Sometimes we count cigarettes, most of the time we don't.

I believe that God has given me these jobs as training grounds.

When I was fired from my last job as a janitor, my confidence as worker went down considerably. As I took these jobs I felt a sense of insecurity. I hope I don't screw this up again.

I feel God leading me gently, telling me you have what it takes.

My everyday prayer as I go to work now is God, help me not to cut corners, not today, not never.

Are you going to cut corners in Oakland, even though management is not over your shoulders constantly?

God has purpose for everything. When I felt God whispering these words to me, I decided not to cut corners, even in Oakland. It wasn't easy. Doing all the tasks meant getting off one hour later than I should. But it felt good.

Maturity is a battle, and it comes to you in everyday tasks, even the most simple ones. It is intentional, and our flesh fights against it. I'm going to screw this one up it tells me. The voice of truth keeps telling me you have what it takes.

Photo Credit: Nicholas_T.