Nervous laughter- Has it ever happened to you?

For some reason or another, I always had problems with nervous laughter. From laughing in the middle of class in High School to even laughing in the middle of community prayer. Of course, there's always a reason for the laughter, but once it starts it is hard to control . The more you try to stop the laughter, the less is your control over it. It is an odd dimension of the human mind, the stubbornness in which it refuses to stop doing what is inappropriate. Anxiety is not calmed by simply telling your mind to "stop worrying", fear is usually not dispelled by telling yourself "don't be afraid", impure thoughts takes more than a "no" to your mind to chase them away. And so it can be with laughter, at least in my case.

This is the second time it happens. We are seating inside the chapel, praying the liturgy. It is the feast of St. Rita, a solemnity to Augustinians. We use a separate book in conjunction with the liturgy of the hour for the antiphons, readings and intentions. This creates a mind bending confusion as you have to bookmark your prayer books in many different areas. I was in charge of the Antiphons. I was hopelessly confused. It comes the time after the hymn that I need to jump start the prayer with the 1st Antiphon. I'm lost between my bookmarks. The brother next to me tries to help me find it, and he gets lost as well. After a few seconds that seemed like minutes, I find the Antiphons. I say it, and in the middle of it, the brother next to me laughs. He tries to control his laugh, and I find his almost failed effort somewhat funny. I laugh a little. To which he laugh even more.

I'm able to carry through the first psalm, but I'm already sweating cold in my down spiraling efforts to simply not laugh. The brother, apparently, finds my efforts all the more funny. He laughs uncontrollably for a few seconds. I try to find the second Antiphon, running through the prayer book. I gather all the strength within me and I'm barely able to say the second Antiphon. The brother is holding his mouth, looking away to the wall. By this time, I'm not even able to completely pray the second psalm. Everyone is looking at us, thankfully smiling and not with angry faces. I was literally sweating cold. When I was not holding my breath, trying to control the overwhelming surge of laughter that screamed to get out of my lungs, I probably looked terribly afflicted, embarrassed.

By the time of the third Antiphon, I'm not even able to say it smoothly. Words are competing with laughter. For the Antiphon for the Canticle of Mary, I'm not even able to finish the Antiphon. Father looks at me with amusement, as if saying "What's going on with them?". He did not know how the laughing nightmare started. Father crosses himself, continuing with the Canticle of Mary without me finishing the Antiphon. In his effort to control the laughter, and find the right bookmark, a bunch of loose paper gets out from the brother's prayer book. Afflicted, he picks up the papers, and he laughs at himself. Finally, for what it seemed like an eternity, the prayer ends.

I wonder, has this happened to any of you? Or am I (along with the brother) just an immature kid? Perhaps I am. But if it had happened to you, I would love to hear your experiences.

New blog: The weight loss challenge blog.

Hello all:

Just wanted to inform everyone that I will no longer post my weight loss challenge post in this blog, because I created another one solely for that purpose. So, if you are looking for that blog, you can find it here:http://theweightlosschallengeblog.blogspot.com/

I will continue to post on this blog on random things. I felt that my weight loss challenge was too specific for this blog. I had thought about this for quite some time, and was very reluctant in creating a new blog. But now I feel it is the right time to do it. See you all there!

Red : Innocence and Instinct review

When I first heard of Red, It was from a promotional sample CD that I received. In it was Red's single "Breathe into me". As I listened to the single and the lyrics, I said to myself "umm, this sounds Christian". Months later I learned that Red was one of the few Christian rock bands that had some crossover success to mainstream radio.

The album kicks off with "Fight Inside". Listeners of Red's End of Silence will feel right at home with this song, as it is very similar to the sound of their previous album. This is one of my favorite songs in the record, as it creates a sort of relaxing and yet dark ambient, with minor chords and tonalities that run through this song, and not surprisingly, to the rest of the album. Then "Death of Me" changes gear into a more fast paced Red, the drums being the main ingredient in the song. "Innocence" has one of the best uses of strings arrangement that I have ever heard in a rock band. Its use nicely complement the music, adding an extra layer of depth to the sound. The strings are now deeply entrenched in Red's sound, being an integral part of their new sound, and not merely a nice flowery finish.

"Start again" is a good example of how the strings are an integral part of Red's new sound. And talking about the sound of Red in the new album, it has changed somewhat since the release of "End of Silence". The sound is harsher and darker, and in my opinion, much better than before. Red has matured and found their own unique sound, distinguishing themselves from other bands that had obviously influenced them (the best example perhaps being Linkin Park). Sure, there are some catchy tunes, but they all are framed within the context of their new sound. "Never be the same" sounds like the next perfect single, as it is one of the most catchy, and radio friendly songs on the album. It is even somewhat formulaic, but deliciously haunted by the harshness and darkness that fills Innocence's songs.

"Shadows" is another highlight of the album. The guitar riffs are very harsh, making it one of the heaviest tracks on the record. Even the strings are more subtle, leaving most of the work to the band, and particularly to vocalist Michael Barnes, as he screams his way through parts of the song. Things slow down with a cover of Duran Duran's "Ordinary World". It works surprisingly well. Red's sound permeates the song, making it more dark and harsher than the Duran Duran's original. Then comes one of my favorite songs of the album, "Forever". This endearing and yet hard-hitting song talks about redemption and how God can rescue us from darkness, even if we perceive Him late. It expresses a kind of redemption enjoyed after much sourness spent in darkness.

The album closes down with "Take it all away". It starts very slow, with a "dark" piano sound setting up the ambient of the song. Barnes' voice is barely audible, the words almost slithering out, until the chorus comes asking God to "Take it all away". In the middle of the song, the piano and the strings take charge, repeating the melody in which it started. After that, the band slowly ups the tempo, a crescendo that explodes emotionally with Barnes repeating "You take away". Perhaps the best song of the album.

Album grade: A-

Week 12 of my weight loss challenge.

It's been too long since I last wrote, and for that I want to apologize. It is not that I discontinued my weight loss challenge. Neither is the case that I was too busy. I was certainly busy but I could have made the time to write. I've been simply caught up in other things. But here I am, for those who are reading (I know there might be a couple readers out there, though sometimes it feels like screaming to a vast empty valley), I promise to keep up reporting my journey.

It's almost the end of the semester, thank God for that. It's been a tough one, but a very satisfying one. God willing, I will be transferring to San Francisco State University to pursue my Bachelor's degree in Philosophy. I feel this is an important milestone in my life. I actually never thought this moment would come. I've been in College for 6 years, studying part while working full time. Being with the Augustinian community has finally enabled me to finish college, and I still can't believe that this important moment is just around the corner. It's been too long, but I'm finally almost there.

But why really, do we think this way of our distant goals? I remember when I was working and studying. The goal of finishing College seemed so distant that I almost felt it was impossible. Paradoxically, I continued studying with limited motivation, even though deep inside of me there was a voice who was telling me "I don't believe you will finish this". There is the almost constant motivation that I should study, it is the right thing to do. I should at least try, even though I was not convinced that I would finish. Perhaps I thought I wasn't good enough, or that someone as lazy as myself would probably not be able to invest the time necessary to achieve such goals. Worst of all, I got used to the idea. I got used to the idea of being lazy, and living life as it came.

When it comes to weight loss the exact same thing would happen. Weight loss was always one of my goals. So distant that it was, and so much work would I need to put into it that a lazy person like me could hardly begin to do it. I would sign up for the gym, go at it for a week, and then simply forget about it. I should at least try, it is the right thing to do. But did I ever believe that I would ever do it? Hardly. I got used to the idea of being fat. My ideal future was always of a thin graduate. That idea was always in my mind. But if I was asked to be realistic, would I think I will be there in a couple of years? No, honestly no. I know I'm capable of much. My past experiences tell me so. But I also know how comfortable it is to be complacent, and simply let life be, while you sit on the couch with the T.V on. I know how hard it is to get out of the comfort zone.

But here I am, some pounds thinner and about to finish College. It is possible and perfectly doable. It's often been said, "don't ever let anyone tell you that you cannot do it". But I say, don't ever let that voice inside of you tell you that you can't. You are capable of much. God has given us this incredible power to change things within us and around us. You already have what you need because the maker of Heaven and Earth has already given it to you. If you have a goal, however big it is, however impossible it is, be realistic about it and say "If I want to achieve this, this and this is required of me" and then plan the next step to do it with discipline, but most of all, with the motivation that comes with the knowledge that this is possible and doable.

But enough of that, here is the weigh in for week 12:

Week 9 weigh in: 304.

Week 12 weigh in: 299.

Total pounds lost: 17.

It's been more than 6 years since I've been under 300 pounds. This is an important step for me. When I started this, I wasn't sure if I would be able to accomplish my goal. I was more inclined to think that I would probably fail. But here I am, under 300 pounds and almost finishing college. Sometimes I have to pinch myself.

Week 9 of my weight loss challenge.

This was a good week. This was a busy week. This week I have proven myself that simply being busy is not an excuse to not get fit. It certainly makes things a little bit more difficult, but it is surprisingly doable. In the Harvard Medical School guide to Men's Health, Dr. Simon says that we can break down our exercise time into segments and we would still get the same benefits that we would if we were to them in a single try. This means that If I only have time for a 1o mins. walk at the moment, I can perfectly walk for 10 mins. with the hope of having a 20 mins. walk later in the day, amounting to 30 mins. of exercise for the day. I believe this is very important for all of us who are busy. It is so easy to procrastinate doing exercise when we are so busy that we can get caught up in our own excuses/lies that we finally decide not to keep up with our plans.

I didn't have a lot of free time this week. But I somehow made time for exercise. If I only had time for a 20 mins. walk for a given day, I walked those 20 mins. I would later compensate with an extra walk in the day. Some days I chose the long way home from College just so I could get those extra steps. It feels like cheating, but it really works. At the end of the day I had the feeling that I did not exercise enough just because I didn't do my walking in a single try. But in the end, all those steps amount to something, and no step is ignored or forgotten by our bodies. I had somewhat surprising results at my weight in, mainly because I wasn't expecting much of a change.

But enough of that. Here is the weigh in results for week 9:

Week 8 weigh in: 307 lbs.

Week 9 weigh in: 304 lbs.

Total weight loss: 12 lbs.

Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised with the results. I thought my scale had gone nuts and I weighed myself 3 times, getting the same results. I can't wait to get under the 300 lbs. mark soon! My vocational director even told me that we would have a party whenever I break that mark! Thank you all for your support and see ya next week!

Week 8 of my weight loss challenge.

It's been a tough week. It was my first week of class after the Spring break, and I found myself buried in homework. There were days when my mind and body were dedicated in study from rising until 9pm at night. Sometimes I lacked the time to exercise, other times I simply lacked motivation. I still managed to exercise a couple of days, but not nearly as much as I would have wanted it. And to top it all off, we had a priest from the main province visiting, which meant dining out 3 times this week.

I finally have a break today, and the time to exercise and relax. I went for a 4 mile walk today to dowtown, and I enjoyed every minute of it! First I went to a famous park where the "Full House" houses are (that's how I call them):

Then I went to the majestic Civic Hall, which to me feels like a small piece of Europe in San Francisco:

Boy do I really need a haircut! I've been neglecting and delaying the imminent visit to the barber shop. This morning I went out with my old black jeans, a simple shirt and jacket. I didn't comb my hair, and it was an unholy mess. I don't "dress out" for exercise. Needless to say I wasn't in my best style. Apparently, there is a group of Christians that go into the city visiting the homeless in downtown, offering a "good morning", a smile, a snack, and a "God bless you". Great job these guys are doing! I was very happy to see this needed work being done. The thing is, a couple of them confused me as a homeless and offered me a snack! I got a good laugh out of it. I didn't get mad or ashamed, because I honestly don't think myself as "better" in any respect to the homeless in the city, but I thought it was a good and funny indication that I really need a haircut (btw, all these pictures were taken with my phone on my walk).

But enough of that. Here is the weigh in for week 8:

Week 7 weigh in: 307.

Week 8 weigh in: 307.

Total pounds lost: 9 lbs.

Was I disappointed? Yes and no. I was disappointed because I could not exercise as much as I wanted. I had a stressful week, and I'm glad is over. But then again I was not disappointed because I was actually expecting a weight gain, but I managed to maintain my weight. I promise to step it up for the next week, and I expect big weight loss for the next week! Thanks again for your support and see ya next time!

A chat on the bus with an Atheist...

It was a beautiful afternoon in Concord, CA. The imposing sun radiating, its warm rays hued in golden painted the atmosphere, giving life all around it, and erasing the memories of the gray, rainy, cold winter. I was walking out of the movie theater in downtown, went for a walk to a bookstore, and bought the book "The Collar, A Year Inside a Catholic Seminary" by Jonathan Englert. Enjoying the beautiful afternoon with a walk through downtown, I finally arrived to the bus stop at the BART station. Next to me was young person. Latino, around 5 feet and 9 inches. His hair was neatly combed backwards, casually dressed, but surprisingly presentable. I opened my new book and started reading the introduction. He looked at me, then at the book title and read it aloud "a year inside a Catholic Seminary" said he with an air of dissatisfaction, as if saying "I wouldn't want to be in a Seminary". "Are you very religious?" he asked in Spanish. "Yes" I replied, "matter of fact I'm a seminarian myself". He opened his eyes, his head nodding a few times., "What about the sexual abuse scandals?" he asked. "I don't understand the question" I responded. "It doesn't concern you?". "Well, yes it does, I think it's terrible what those priests did". "What I mean with 'it doesn't concern you' is that you are not there for that reason, it has nothing to do with you" he clarified. "Yes, of course, I'm not there for that reason". "You know, I'm an atheist". "Oh really?" I responded. The Atheist looked very surprised at this and said "You are the first person who reacts this way, interesting". "What do you mean?" I asked smiling. "Usually people call me names and stuff when I say this".

Our bus arrived. He started telling me a bit about his life. How he had tried out some churches, was taught to be a Christian but eventually fell off the wagon. About his kid and her mother, and how she pleaded for him to be at his son's baptism. "I told her that I don't have to be there, it doesn't mean anything f to me". An old friend got on the bus, one that I haven't seen for years. We talked for a bit, but then went back to the Atheist. He then started questioning me about my vocation (or rather my present discernment of this vocation, which I may or may not have). "Obviously, since I am an atheist, I don't believe in the love of God, but one must be much in love with God to be a priest" "Yes" I responded. "Is it love for God the reason you're pursuing this?" "Yes" I responded, knowing that my love for God is not as strong as it should be, or as I want it to be. "Did you have a romantic disappointment?". "No, well, I did have a disappointing relationship with my ex, but I spent 2 years alone discerning whether I want this or not, its not because of that that I'm here". "I'm asking this because too many go into seminary because of these sorts of disillusionments"." I know" I said, and added, "I think that's a terrible mistake" Being on the topic of love, I remarked that I didn't know how people called him names and mistreated him for being an atheist. He said that sometimes people thought he was incapable of loving. "But I am loyal, I know about love, and have morals" he asserted. "Obviously" I said, "as a believer of God I believe that he is the source of love, and you are not outside of this love. I dunno why people think you are incapable of love, why they treat you like an almost inhuman just because you are an atheist". "Yes, inhuman, some think I am like that". After that he received a call, "I'm on my way on the bus" he told the other person on the phone. Our conversation ended and he continued talking on the phone.

I honestly don't know if the Atheist was being truthful or not. Was he playing the victim? But the scenario that he painted was not very unrealistic. I have seen it unfold a few times in my life. We don't have many atheists in Latin America, and is always surprising to find one. I do think that this conversation, though, can be a warning to how Unchristian we can be. Jesus calls us to be loving. I'm not preaching tolerance and being accepting of everything, but simply accepting and loving of others. So many times do we fail to love the sinner and hate the sin. We fail to see that atheists are atheists for a reason. Some have emotional scarring, others intellectual reasons. Some, sadly, are atheists because the behavior of Christians too often doesn't reflect the love of Christ. We can be hypocrites, condemning "holier than thou" Christians, failing to see that we are here by His grace. We are Christians because we are sinners. We fall. We commit the very sins we denounce in others. We fail to love as Christ loves all of us. No human creation of God is incapable of loving, whether he or she believes in God or not. But we Christians can fail in loving others when we don't reflect Christ in our lives, but rather our own darkness disguised as light. Jesus came not to condemn the world, but to save it. May we do the same as His disciple.