New Blog Changes...

I have made some important and major changes to my blog that I want to explain. The changes are not merely in the design, but changes will also come in the content of the blog. So many things will change that this can be considered a brand new blog. Random thoughts is no more...

So what are the changes?

• Content: I thought that Random thoughts covered too many topics. While there is nothing wrong in taking a holistic approach to blogging, I think it's better to narrow down my topics, and concentrate on a niche. Content, from now on, will concentrate mainly on the ministry that I work in San Francisco. The blog will retain its personal aspect, however.
• Design: I had worked somewhat in improving the look of Random thoughts, and never felt satisfied with it. It seemed too simplistic. I think the new design is better and fits perfectly the new theme of the blog. Of course, I will work on improving the design as the blog progresses.
• Posting: Random thoughts was my first serious attempt in getting somewhat serious in blogging, but it was nothing more than a hobby. The blog was neglected, and there was time that I paid little attention to it. This will change, as I will try to be more constant and serious in my blogging. After all, I want to glorify God in this blog, so while the blog will retain its personal taste, its main focus will be God and the ministry.

I want to dedicate this blog to the glory of God, and while my feeble attempts can't add nothing to His perfect glory, it is my desire that He will be glorified through this blog. It is my humble prayer that this blog will be under the patronage of the Blessed Virgin Mary, St. John Bosco St. Thomas More and St. Dominic Savio; please pray for us!

P.S: Yes, the title of this blog is inspired by the song "God of this City" by Chris Tomlin, one of my favorite songs. If you haven't listened to it, here it is:

I Strongly Feel God is Calling me to be a Saint...

I remember my conversion 9 years ago. I remember the refreshing air that seemed to surround my atmosphere. This fresh air brought winds from a new creation. This is the best way I can describe what I was feeling in those days: the joy, the peace, and the incredible desire to be a saint.

But, as the years started to go by, and life's experiences brought me back to even where I was before I converted, that feeling started to "die" slowly, so slowly, that I was unaware of its own death.

I tried to revive this feeling, and while I made some progress in terms of devotion, the feeling was hard to resurrect. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, the feeling remained dormant, with little hints of it surviving. Until now...

These past events in my life, including the current storm, has brought me into an intimacy with God. "I feel" I told my spiritual director once "I feel as if God and I are in a honeymoon at this moment". This intimacy has gradually increased with time, and as the tribulations rise, His love is even more abundant.

Even though I don't feel God is calling me to be a priest or a religious, even though I'm probably headed to marriage, in despite of all this, I feel so strongly in my heart that I must be a saint, and nothing else would suffice. I feel God is tugging strongly in my heart, this sense of tranquil urgency; I must be a saint, there is no way out of it.

But I believe all of us are called to be a saint. We must receive this calling in our hearts as well, while we are looking for Him, our Beloved, in prayer. Will I fail? If I trust in my own strength, in my own habits and humanity, I will surely fail. With God? I cannot fail.

I like being busy, but I hate being tired!

My life has changed substantially in the past few months. I now find myself trying desperately to adjust to a difficult schedule. I'm sleep deprived, tired, and best of all busy.

I have to admit, I like being busy, but as of late, I'm starting to dread being tired. I have noticed that my emotional level goes down considerably when I'm tired. I tend to dwell more on pessimistic thoughts, my faith gets bombarded by doubts, my anxiety betrays the sense of peace I thought I had. In a nutshell, everything seems to simply suck when I'm tired!

I'm working 32 hours per week and studying part time. On paper this is not a disagreeable situation at all. Only that I have to work the graveyard shifts on Mondays and Thursdays. Mondays (and consequently Tuesdays) are the worst days because I have to go to school the next day in the morning, getting off from school in the late afternoon, to finally go home and rest! As I shared in a Facebook update not too long ago, despite the fact that I'm walking around campus as if drunk, and my biggest academic achievement is to stay awake during classes, I seem to be managing well!

Thursdays are a bit more manageable. I go to school almost all day, then head off to the youth group for ministry, and finally end my day by working the graveyard shift right after the youth group. We usually have some time for fellowship after the youth group, which I unfortunately am obliged to miss because of my work schedule. This is rather unfortunate, given that this fellowship is essential in establishing relationships with the young people who attend. And since the ministry deals with gang members, this relationship is even more important in order to gain their trust and share the Gospel in a personal way. Friday morning I have to commute back to my house, which is 50 minutes away from where I work. Staying awake during this commute is a massive undertaking!

But I'm getting used to this schedule. Staying awake seems easier. And while I like being busy, I'm still getting used to being tired.

Still Struggling in the Storm.

It's been 2 months since I received that letter. To tell you the truth, yes, I'm still in pain. Besides the pain, there are some other things that I'm still struggling with, which I'll share briefly in this post.

I have a desire to pursue marriage sometime in the future, but this desire comes not without its struggle. I feel called to full time ministry, and I'm worried that If I get married, my ministry would suffer. There is also a sense of guilt over leaving seminary, even though I don't feel called to the priesthood or the religious life. But as the anxious person as I am, I'm constantly thinking of the repercussions that this decision can have in my ministry and life. Would I be able to serve the youth in my full capacity, without the status that a priest or a religious person enjoy? All these questions, given their hypothetical nature, are difficult to answer in a personal level. But, despite the emotional struggle that my decision brings, I still have peace over it.

I'm also struggling with my grieving over this girl. My feelings for her have not changed, and at times, seeing her is painful. She is part of the same ministry I work with, and there are many opportunities to see her. In dealing with past disappointments, I would simply detach myself from that person for a good period of time, until the memories lost their painful aftertaste. I have asked God permission to leave the ministry for a while, but I keep getting the same answer: He doesn't want me to leave. He is giving me the strength to deal with this situation, and by His grace alone I have been able to continue in the ministry. He keeps telling me to trust Him and to leave everything in His hands, even my future with her. I don't understand exactly what He is doing, but I'm putting my trust in Him, even though I have to admit, it is not always easy.

But not all is gray and sour! God has blessed me immensely! I finally have a job and things are going well. Studies are going somewhat smoothly. There are many blessings that God in His infinite mercy has bestowed upon me. And, even in the middle of the pain, His joy and peace are there to remind that indeed I'm not alone, and I will never be alone.

No Pain no Gain!

Aren't you tired of that clichéd phrase? I sure am. This phrase is meant to motivate us to go through a painful process in order to gain something. I've seen it plastered inside gyms, as indicators that your pain is not in vain. For me this phrase is just a painful reminder of our reality: we survive from one painful experience, get a little breath, and when we start to feel comfortable, another painful experience awaits us in the next corner of life. That seems to be the reality of our life, however dim this perspective strikes us. But, however pessimistic this perspective of life seems, it is through these painful moments that we gain everything by losing everything.

I have gone through the experiences and events that led to my current storm in life in my past post, so I won't dwell on those things here. Writing is strangely therapeutic, and so I decided to write a few more posts about it while I am going through it. It helps me to put things into perspective, and perhaps (I hope) it will help others who are going through similar situations.

So getting back to pain. Many of us, in remembering those past storms in our lives, can see that we had gained something from those painful moments. For some of us is strength, to others a wake up call, to others pain is simply there to remind us of hope, of our longing to be fulfilled. What have I gained in this current storm? Even though the storm is still raging in me, I can perfectly see what I had gained so far in this storm.

I feel that I have gained strength. Talking to a friend not too long ago, she recalled how fearful I seemed a few months back, long before this storm even started. She is right. I was hopelessly fearful. I remember my past disappointments (especially romantic ones!) and how poorly I coped in those situations. I was fearful of pain. I wanted to avoid pain by not venturing out of my comfort zone. I restrained myself needlessly in order to not feel the sting of disappointment. My self esteem suffered from the isolation of these risk filled events, and the successes they sometimes bring. I was also fearful in trusting God, troubled with endless loops of doubts. What if I trusted God with something and He didn't show up? How would I deal with the disappointment? I chose to trust Him superficially, to play things safely. This lack of trust, of course, affected deeply my relationship with God. "Now I see you with such courage, you are different than before!" she told me. Courage?! I didn't even realized it, but God had truly changed me in this storm. I am by no means the most courageous person, but I'm tired of fear governing my every step. I'm tired of fear keeping me from loving and trusting the beautiful and magnificent God that we serve!

I feel that I have gained more faith. There is nothing more fertilizing than a storm for the cultivation of faith. When every secure thing in your life crashes down, when insecurities taunts you mercilessly with the uncertain future, and when every constant is robbed from your presence, what is left for the human soul but to look upwards to the only constant in his or her life? In situations like these, we are almost forced to trust and have faith in God, because there is no other in whom you can trust your uncertain future. I feel that slowly, God is giving me faith to trust in Him and His mercy. I don't have faith that can move the mountains, but I feel I have gained the faith to bring me back to my knees, and let God do the moving.

I feel that I have gained more purity. To be purified we have to go through the fire. It is one of the paradoxes of the Christian life. When we feel hopeless, that pain is robbing us of every good sparks in our souls, when normal and small details irritate us and we are prompt to anger and pessimism, it is in this apparent despicable state that we are being purified, even without our noticing it. For the past 2 years I had struggled with a habitual sin that I just didn't seem to have enough strength to defeat it. There are other habitual sins that I have also struggled with, and, in trying my best to defeat it, there is some progress, but I always seem to slip back to my old self. But in this state that I find myself in presently, I have noticed that this habitual sin, and some others, are being eliminated, without my trying so hard. I gave up control by losing it, and not through my own strength I have been set free of this, but only by the grace of God. This alone makes the storm more than worth its pain.

I am sure that I can name many other things that I have gained through this storm. The best part it's that the storm is not over yet (wait, am I really saying this?!). I have still a lot more to gain it seems, and I'm sure God won't abandon me in the middle of it. I am a work in progress, with a perpetual sign over me that says "God at work".

I have a confession to make: I am in pain...

I have a confession to make: I am in pain. My walls seems to be crashing down on me. Everything seems sour and gray. The sun doesn't hold its enchanting light, even if it's burning down in my face. Rain only adds to this atmosphere; oddly appropriate for this storm in my life. The coldness of the winter has left me with little air to breathe. What was once relaxing is now tiresome, welcoming now an opportunity for nostalgia to sink in, to bring its ruthless reminiscing, its ceaseless movies of memories draining the energy out of me. Yes I am going through a storm in my life. Certainly not the worst, nor is my suffering one that should be pitied. But still, it hurts.

I left seminary 3 months ago. I will not share in this post why I left seminary. I have no care or energy to explain them now. All I can say is that I don't want to be a priest anymore; I just don't feel called to it. My desire to serve God in full time ministry is still there, but not longer as a priest. I loved the community I was in. Leaving it and the securities it offered me is difficult, a difficulty that I'm still paying. Did I make the wrong decision? Decisions like this are never easy. They always leave a trail of anxiety and yes, even doubts. But I am in peace with my decision, and I'm still glad I made the decision. Yes, even in this storm, I have peace, which can only come from God.

I have another confession to make: There is a girl. Or to be more specific, there was a girl. I don't like to personally reveal this, as the immediate thought can come that I left seminary just because this particular girl came into my life. This is not the case. Those who know the process of my decision can tell you so. At this point if I'm believed or not, I couldn't care less than just show my hand over those cynical eyes. Yes, I won't lie. It affected my decision. Why wouldn't it? How couldn't it? But she wasn't the reason I left. I've been struggling with this decision for over 9 months, perhaps even more. Long before she came into my life. Losing this girl has been very difficult. She is special, one of those girls you are lucky enough to meet. She is not perfect, far from it. But everything about her seemed to "click" with me. I had to fight to not like her. After all I was in seminary when I met her, this is not supposed to happen right? But it did. After I admitted to myself that I liked her, I had to fight to not fall in love with her. How can you fight these feelings? After a few weeks of leaving seminary, I confessed my feelings for her. I now understand that this was a big mistake, as I felt God was telling me to wait, to not rush things. I acted selfishly. I wanted to know if she felt the same. If she did, great! If she didn't I just wanted to move on and forget about her. Move on before this feeling became even more potentially hurting. Holding this feeling in secrecy was just too much, its torturing and sweet melody was causing a turmoil in me, one I chose not to hold in any longer. It wasn't the right time, she was not ready for it. She didn't feel the same, but liked the idea of us. We decided to go out on dates. After trying to control the outcome of this, I felt God was gently drawing me closer to Him. He was gently asking me to offer control of this relationship. He told me that it was not unpleasant for Him what we were doing. He offered His guidance in it. I did, and as soon as I did, there was an overwhelming peace that rushed through me.

I felt God was giving me many good signs about this relationship. One of it was His peace. He told me to wait and to not rush anything. That I let things flow naturally. He also told me that I had rushed things by telling her too early about my feelings. I tried not to rush anything now, and just wait, and wait, and wait. But I was getting afraid. I feared that the more I shared time with her, the more my feelings will grow for her. And what if she doesn't feel anything in the end of it? I was putting my feelings on the line, I was terrified of being hurt. God kept telling me to not worry about tomorrow. To trust Him, and to wait. Wait. That word again. "But God, I have no need to be begging for love! I already have you! If she doesn't like me I can get someone who does! What if you are making me wait and then nothing happens? What if you are telling me to wait for nothing?!" I said and asked one morning, filled with frustration. I heard Him say immediately "I never make someone wait for nothing!". I shut up. Of course, what else could I say? After all I wasn't begging for love, I was just waiting.

"Why wait Lord? If you don't want me to be with her just tell me!". "Because before you move into this new transition, you need to learn how to wait". God is right. He has that characteristic of always being right after all. Anyone who knows me can immediately tell you that I have little to no patience when it comes to waiting. I am a desperate person, an unfortunate consequence of the rushing and "microwave" generation that I'm part of. I also felt that God was telling me this: "Okay you want this? You want to have someone in your life? There are some habits that you need to work on first". I needed to be more organized in my life. I needed to get closer to Him. To love others through Him. He gave me a scripture to work on "Look first for the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and then all these things will be added onto you". One morning He gave me another scripture to meditate on, chapter 15 of the Gospel of John. While I was in this relationship I felt I was drawing even closer to God. I felt (and still feel!) His love in such an overwhelming way, that it was like I was living heaven on earth whenever I was praying! I felt the Holy Spirit move in me in such a strong way, that even in the anxiety of the wait, my soul was filled with joy and peace! "Why wait Lord?" I asked stubbornly another morning. Getting an answer from God was more difficult this time. I insisted. "Why wait Lord?". "Because she is not ready yet", He answered clearly. And again, God is right.

There are many other good signs God was giving me about this relationship, ones that I can't share with you yet, as God is telling me not to share it at the moment. I can share one: what I feel for her. It feels like it's the first time I feel something like this. It feels pure, with a surprising lack of lust. Yes, of course, there is a physical attraction. But it goes beyond that. It is a feeling that is hard to describe. A feeling that compels me to be there for her. A feeling that compels me to protect and guard her. Yes, protect and guard her. I shared this with my spiritual director, and he told me that God was giving me the vocation of Adam, which was to protect and guard Eve. "For some reason God is giving you this woman as your vocation right now. This does not necessarily mean that you will marry her. Maybe you will. Maybe God is giving you this woman as your wife. Maybe not. But He has given you this vocation". I think this was the moment when I stopped thinking that this feeling was offensive to God. Yes, God gave me many good signs about this relationship. But I don't think He ever promised me that she will remain with me. The first month and half of the relationship seemed to go well. There seemed to grow an intimacy between us that was sweet. Friendship was growing, even though the word "friends" is still painful for me. But in the last two weeks of the relationship she changed. There were many red flags. She apparently felt nothing. She was going through a depression at the moment. A depression that perhaps she is only getting out of at the moment. She seemed more distant. It was subtle, but I could feel it. One day we talked. A break of dating came in during the holidays. After the holidays she ended it (whatever relationship it was) with a letter. She felt nothing, and even though she wanted things to work, she felt nothing. She wants us to remain friends, as she chooses singleness for the time being.

"My son, hard times will come, but don't be afraid. I will be there with you and I will carry you through it". God revealed this to me one morning during the holidays. Yes, I was anxious because I was having a break of dating with her. But I felt fine, calm. Perhaps a bit sad, but nothing major. After new year's eve, everything changed. I felt, all of the sudden (and remember, this is before I received the letter from her) sad. I felt that everything was crashing down. I still haven't found a job and a place to live. I'm still living with my parents. This state of limbo that I find myself in is part of the storm. But I felt (and still feel!) grief, grief for her, grief for my situation. Everything seems to go bad, every step seems an effort. Before the holidays started I had a sense that God wanted me to be single for a while. That not only she was not ready, but I was not ready. That I needed to spend time with myself, working on myself. A few days after I received the warning of the storm during the holidays, I asked God if this sense or intuition of being single for the moment was coming from Him. He answered with a yes. I realized that she was probably coming from the break with bad news. God then told me that there will come things that would be hurtful for me, but to not be afraid. Again, God is right.

It's been 4 days since I received that letter. I still feel hurt. I feel grief not just because of her, but of my current situation. This major transition is not easy, and everything is turning out more difficult than I imagined it. Few things seems to be going smoothly. I can't stop seeing her, as she is part of the same ministry that I work in. I asked God if could take a break from the ministry. Just some time to grieve and forget about her. He told me not to do it. That He wants to use me there. But it is painful, seeing her. "I know this hurts. I know the pain you are going through. I am destroying every wall in you and that's why it hurts. I am doing this not to punish you, but because I'm building a new foundation in you. I will be your foundation. I promise to rebuild these walls and make them new. I will purify them", God told me this recently. What will happen in the future? I don't know. God is telling me to leave the future in His hands, even my future with her, whatever that is. Of course, I wish things would be different. I wish she would come back. I don't know what will happen in the future. That is in God's hands. But for now, even when I struggle in self pity, when I feel that my patience is escaping in a mess of irritability, I am thankful to God for this storm. Because I am growing. Growth is painful, but the effect of it is well worth it. And God's consoling spirit is still even in me. His presence brings me comfort. This intimacy that I'm experiencing with God is something that I plan to enjoy.

An Encounter with Darkness.

My summer adventure-ministry is over and now I'm back with the Augustinian community. For those who didn't know: I volunteered for the summer to live as a Innkeeper in a Christian transitional house. It was a great experience and I learned a lot in the process.

I moved back into the community on July 28th, but I was supposed to do so on the 30th. The reason why I did will be explained in this post. Without giving too much detail, there was one young guy who was living in the transitional house who was apparently going through too much trouble. He seems naturally rude and rough in his character. He is a constant liar, almost pathological liar. I suspect that he suffers from Histrionic Personality Disorder, an attention seeker. The last couple of nights that I was there he outright disrespected members of the community, making a big drama show about it, full of Bible throwing, knife pulling and name calling. And the air around the house felt heavy.

The leaders of the transitional house are a deeply devoted and committed couple. They live within walking distance from the transitional house. They sent us a text-message regarding the heavy air, calling us to prayer. I decided to pray the Rosary, but when I decided to do so, a horrible fear invaded my soul. I think it is important for you to know, dear reader, that I'm not one of those fanatics who see the devil in everything. I do believe in the devil and darkness, as Catholic that I am, but I'm very moderate in my beliefs. Some conservatives would call me something close to a Liberal, but I consider myself a moderate. I adhere to the Church's teachings, but I'm not a conservative Catholic. Nor am I a Liberal Catholic who supports abortion, same-sex marriage or even contraception.

Now that that disclaimer is out of the way, onto the story. The fear was telling me to stop praying, that I shouldn't be involved in this. It told me to leave this to those who are more spiritually mature. I wasn't strong enough to deal with this...darkness, this horrible presence that was now pressing against my chest at the recitation of every Hail Marys. I felt its anger, it was getting angrier. There came a point where I was breathing with difficulty. Continuing with the prayer was getting harder. The words didn't come out easily. And the fear, what a horrible thing it was! You feel like there's little you can do about it. It is not the kind of fear that impels you to fight or run. It was a disabling fear. Not the kind that prepares you for battle but weakens you. One that threatens you to a corner and hide your face between your legs and simply hope for the best. It is not one that is taken away by the switch of a light bulb, or by the presence of others. It follows you whenever you go, like the darkest shadow of yourself. It was not in me, but whispering at my back. I have never been so afraid in my life.

It was past 1am in the morning, and I finally finished the rosary. I was afraid of finishing it, fearing that the prayer was the only thing protecting me. I called one of the Innkeepers, who was sleeping. "I don't feel comfortable being alone, can I talk to you?". He kindly accepted. I went to his room and told him "You know I wouldn't wake you up unless it was a serious matter", and told him what had happened. The darkness was still whispering at my back, following me. One of the young guy who lives in the community came to the room as well, expressing that the air felt heavy. We were talking for about fifteen minutes when I heard someone coming into the house. I came out of my friend's room and into the hallway and found out that it were the leaders of the community. The devout couple had come, apparently, to pray. When I met them at the hallway, I asked the leader, who we would call Carlos, if he felt "that". He simply replied, "No, I'm fine." Then he looked me in the eyes and said "Get on your knees". I did, and he went to the living room to pray with his wife. I prayed for a few minutes, still afraid, still with that darkness on my back.

After my brief prayer on the hallway, I went into the living room where I found Carlos praying, prostrated face down on the floor. His wife was in the dining room, talking with the young guy who was previously talking with us. The living room was dark, with only the dim orange lights of the dining room next to it shining softly on the background. As I entered the living room, Carlos got on his knees and looked up to me and said: "I feel your soul very disturbed, what's going on? are you okay?". I told him that I didn't feel good, explaining everything that had happened. He told me to get on my knees again, and he started to pray for me. As he was praying he said "Yes, I feel something heavy" showing me with his hands where it was. Right next to me. He tried to impose his hands on me but couldn't. It was as if something was pulling him back. He tried again but nothing, this time he pulled his hands and shake them in pain. "I can't do it" he said crying. He then called for his wife for help in prayer. The wife came and started praying for me. The young guy, scared, got on his knees and started to pray as well. Through the wife's prayer (and I believe the young's guy prayer as well), Carlos could pray over me again. He extended his hands toward me, almost laying them on me. This time, nothing was pulling him back. As he did, I close my eyes. I felt a force pushing me away from Carlos' hands. After about 15 to 20 minutes of prayer, we felt that the darkness stopped following me. Almost at the end of the prayer, another Innkeeper came down from the third floor above us. He came and prayed for the young guy who was now not feeling so good. We prayed for him, and he started to cry. I was terrified throughout the whole process. But I prayed. I sat down for a while, and started to pray. The young guy, with his eyes filled with tears, looked at me and with an almost commanding voice told me:"Kneel and keep praying". I did so, remembering CS Lewis' view on the importance of position while praying. We finished the prayer with an Our Father. And we all felt better. The darkness was no longer following. But I still felt it, hiding somewhere.

"So should we tell him?"asked Carlos to his wife. She looked at me and said, "we decided to come here because I had a bad feeling about you. We feel that for your security, it is okay if you leave tomorrow instead of Friday". Tomorrow, being at the moment present since it was around 2am in the morning, was Wednesday. The young guy told us that he heard Jesus while in prayer ,telling him that if he wanted Him to liberate him and me, that he should get on his knees, face down, not only asking for it, but imploring it. That he needed to show Him that he has fear of the Lord. He also told us that when we were praying the Our Father he could hear our voices, but another voice as well. It was the most beautiful voice he has ever heard. I still felt the fear, this time more distant, away from me. I felt as though I had just wakened up from a terrible sickness. A similar feeling one feels the next morning after a whole night fighting with a sickness. It feels like you can finally rest, glad that the experience is over. You feel comforted, but still shaken up about it. The feeling continued the next morning. The whole community gathered for prayer the next morning, asking the Holy Spirit to come upon us. It moved in us, and we felt better. I did not sleep in my room that night. I couldn't sleep alone after the experience, but slept in the same room of another Innkeeper. The next day, following the recommendation of the leaders, I moved out of the transitional house.